{ furiousmuse }

New York or Bust

2012-01-29T11:26:00.000-08:00

The day I after returned from New York last month I went to a funeral for a woman I used to work with. Ann was 76, and I'd spent more time with her in recent years than my own grandmother. She was a firecracker of a woman, sporting bright red hair and fancy, long fingernails. She loved life and people and always had a smile on her face. In her younger years, she was a belly dancer. She inspires me, even now.

It's been 44 days since I was in New York, and my flight home from Boston, weary from an entire day of bus and subway and walking, found me looking out the window, eyes welling up. I wasn't ready to leave. So I've spent every day since trying to figure out how I can get back there. Yes: I want to move to New York City.

I believe Ann moved from England to the US...in her twenties. What a brave thing! How much money did she have to her name? What belongings did she take with her? She probably didn't have a job waiting for her when she arrived stateside. Times were different. Jobs were more accessible (were they?).

So I want to move to New York City. So, what? Why should you care? My question to you is: what do you want more than anything? What is big, scary, and absolutely thrilling all at the same time? What is calling your name that requires a substantial sacrifice in order to be achieved? What do you think about day in and day out? This is New York. Not a day has passed since my plane landed on December 16 at Long Beach, ripped from where I was feeling so at home, where I was so in love. I love New York, and this long distance relationship is just breaking me in half. In a good way. And a weird way.

These stirrings have my world all flipped upside down. I have a project at my fingertips that is totally Failure Club worthy. I have created lists, and just last night I earmarked a project in Wunderkit. There are so many things, and my brain wants to worry about all of them, in no particular order. My hope with using these tools is that I can keep myself honest.

Here we go...

Clarification: I am not in agreement with all of the failure club principles. I want to overcome fear, but I don't believe my project is going to fail.

2012

2012-01-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

Is it possible that I have been so busy living that I no longer have the time to blog? I have.

There are big things in store this year. This post is not one of them. I hope to have more to come in the near future, and I look forward to sharing the journey here.

Labor Day

2011-09-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

I've been figuring out what I'm to do in this life that will enable me to support my interests and a comfortable life. I should be writing a dissertation on first world problems: I have a job that pays the bills, but it is far from my ideal line of work. I have a used car that is less than 10 years old and paid off, but I wrecked my 8-year-old Jetta last year and that one I bought brand new and I really miss it. I live in Southern California and the rent for my 2 bedroom, 1195 square foot apartment with detached garage, 2 pools, 2 spas, tennis courts, gym and a view to die for is so expensive even with a roommate that I can't afford to save for a proper vacation where I can travel to an exotic location, eat good food, and have tons of fun seeing the sights so I guess my next staycation means I'll be going to the beach a lot and slumming it in my own backyard. Also, it's Labor Day and I really want to get a new mattress because they're all on sale right now and I've had mine for 9 years, which is when you are supposed to get a new one, but not because there's really anything wrong with the one I'm sleeping on.

The point is yes, I live an excellent life and have little to complain about in the grand scheme of things. I still find ways to struggle, however, and my concern becomes "How can I make this life even better?" That means attention to the day-to-day as well as the long term. I look for inspiration around me, trying to absorb the things that are happening with my extended family (read--> friends) and drawing on the goings on to prompt and push me because at times I lack the inner spark to drive my own desires. Sometimes it's a combination of things. A year ago, I started throwing pottery because of a friend's invitation. Now that I've finished throwing pencil holders and giving away small pieces to coworkers, I'm moving on to pots and vases. I'm keeping pieces for myself and starting to take things much more seriously. It's been a small thing, but it's been impactful. Art will always need to be part of my life.

And just like art, life needs to be part of my life. I'm struggling to balance it--the living that goes on outside of my computer is so intensely valuable that I have neglected blogging. Even now, I type this post and am thinking Life's out there and I need to be living it! I have things to do! I need to finish this post and go forth!

Tally ho, readers!

On the Rotation, Part 1 (of many)

2011-04-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

I've determined that my love of music results in fits and spurts of loving an album to death and listening to it until it has lodged itself deep in the frontal cortex. From then on, when I wake in the middle of the night, I can hear it replayed perfectly. Sometimes this goes on ad infinitum, and I'll have trouble falling back asleep. When that happens, it makes me think that I should stop listening to music after I get off of work.
Most of the time, the music wins.

Here's a peek at what's on the rotation these days:

Boxes Boxes Boxes

2011-03-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

I've spent the day packing and sifting, churning and burning. I've reviewed my entire childhood from Kindergarten through High School. It's been a whirlwind. It's amazing what my mom saved for me, and I've finally stowed those precious moments in a 18-gallon plastic purple tub; after 10 years of lugging these boxes around, it's about time they got their own committed space.

This will be my fifth move in four years. Thankfully I've managed to make each place feel like a home, but this move is something that's taken me by storm. As I buckled down and started packing hardcore today, I'm left with a sense that my belongings are becoming more and more essential. I like that bit. I think it's important to value the things that I'm paying to transport from A to B. So far I've made two trips to Goodwill and dumped more than a few things in the trash.

And then my brain said Good Night!

Found

2011-03-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

On Friday, I met two people who love their job. They love it so much they'd do it seven days a week. The overtime is not problematic because they enjoy their profession. One was a criminal/family law attorney. I didn't learn the exact nature of work of the other, but I suspect something technical.

It exists. I believed it did, but have been under the influence that it is some holy grail that I'll never discover. Taking steps to regain and reassert this belief has been challenging. Most of the time I don't even think of banking as a career, but after nine years in one profession, it's undeniable. I'm not unhappy, but I believe I could be doing something that is more satisfying. I want it.

Once I'm all moved, I'm going to work diligently to find it. Resuming piano lessons is a first step in the right direction.

Countdown

2011-03-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

The transitory life is a tough one. I've spent the bulk of my thirties thus far trying to figure out what I'm doing, what I want to do, and how to get my shit together. When it involves those close to me, I find myself hesitant (and reasonably so) about sharing the details with the Internet. Still, I'm paying for this blog, I fought to keep it, and once again I find it necessary to explore what it is I hope to accomplish within said sphere of my life.

I'm moving again. Tonight I had dinner and chatted with my future roomie, current friend and neighbor (all the same person). Currently we're sitting on my sofa, music softly stirring the airwaves in the background, working independently on our laptops. It is remarkably peaceful, and I anticipate our cohabitation to persist in a similar manner. Thinking about it makes me feel all sorts of relaxed on the inside. Relaxed and happy. So happy.

The arrangements are coming together. I'm fortunate to have had as much practice as I have in recent years with moving: the changing of addresses, the initiation of utilities & the hiring of movers. It's coming together smoothly yet again.

Hooray!

5 Minutes

2011-03-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, I have not floated off into the stratosphere. Instead, I find myself over-committed in various activities and under-committed in taking care of that which will enable me to live my life more fully. In an effort to meet one goal, I find myself on the move. Tentatively, at first. But now there is a great momentum. I am excited to share a place with a dear friend and look forward to packing this coming weekend.

April is going to be incredible.

Life is incredible.

Now Is Now

2010-11-10T23:29:00.000-08:00

I want to have some big revelation that'll help me sleep better at night. October was hell on wheels because of the car accident and an eruption of personal events. It's November now and I haven't succumbed to the weight of the world, which goes to prove my point: human beings are incredibly resilient.

It's about the fight that I put up to be here. The fight to get things right with the car I bought, the fight with workers comp to get the best care for my body*, the fight to get up and take care of myself every day. I've spent countless lunches on the phone making arrangements for appointments and returning calls and checking the status of this or that and forgetting what lunch is generally used for.

I've learned some hard lessons, and November is the month for removing the pressures previously pressed upon me. I also have the final leg of a job interview in about a week and a half that will take me beyond my current position and into another career within the same company.

My revelation is this: life keeps going. I can let it pass, or I can be vigilant and attend to it consciously and deliberately. The second mode is my only option. Sometimes I wish it let me sleep a little easier at night though.

*No actual fighting took place, though I did have to be very inquisitive & insistent to get what I wanted: chiropractic care & better physical therapy.

The Total

2010-09-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

On my first day back from Austin, I drove to Monterey Park for a training class for work. At lunchtime, I explored a new part of town. Using my phone to navigate, I found the Hometown Buffet. It was right next to Wilcox, a street that I'd passed on my way there from the training center. I remember thinking how wacky navigation can be, and that I'd take the direct route rather than the roundabout one.

Leaving the unimpressive/overpriced lunch, I also thought about filling up with gas. But no, I'll just get back to class. I turned onto Wilcox, and stopped at the red light at Pomona, on the other side of the 60 freeway. Now, in my head, Potrero Grande runs parallel to the freeway, just like Pomona. I reasoned that there was a connection. I turned right.

What doesn't belong in this picture? What doesn't belong in this grouping of images I'm presented with? What doesn't belong is the large delivery truck which is bigger than a U-Haul but smaller than an 18-wheeler that is bearing down on my vehicle. An atomic second later, the crushing sound of impact and the vision of both airbags being deployed, the windshield cobwebbed with cracks and my forearms burning as though they've both been broken.

I let myself out, and the truck driver is out, a young man with dark hair not much taller than myself. He is asking if I'm okay. I'm telling him I'm sorry. I know it's all my fault. I go back to my car. I need my stuff. The keys won't release from the ignition but I unhook my house keys and shove the deflated passenger airbag aside to get my purse and a canvas bag of dry cleaning. The dry cleaning is especially important to me. And in my head I know I must get it before my car blows up. In hindsight, I think how dumb that reasoning is. But I won't lie to you. I had things to take care of, and that's where my mind went.

"Did you call 9-1-1?" I yell. He's busy taking pictures with his phone. I know it's my fault, so I see this as superfluous. He says, "no." I fish out my cell phone, stand on the corner, and dial. The details pour out with precision. I am a machine, holding it all in, holding it all together with incredible fortitude. The operator asks me if I'm sitting. "Well...no."
"Why don't you sit down, just in case you feel faint."
I comply, though the ground is hard and my forearms are burning and my left knee is aching. A kind couple approaches.
"Here is some apple juice. It may help with the shock." The man and woman are kind and concerned. I tell the emergency operator about them.
"Don't drink anything. You don't know how your body will react. You may throw up."
I explain that to the couple. They nod understandingly. They disappear as emergency vehicles arrive, only minutes after my phone call began. I ask the operator to relay information to my employer before disconnecting. I answer questions from paramedics, I am like a machine.

The rest, well, to write it out is such a process. It requires reliving. I may come back to this, but starting it aids in the digestion of events. I know I am still in shock. There are many things to be resolved. I am handling it all remarkably well, and I don't give myself enough credit (I am told this...and I believe it.)

The body is remarkably resilient. I am amazed. My next car must be this strong.

Half a Dozen Things

2010-08-25T23:34:00.000-07:00

I tried to make this a baker's dozen, but when I reached the sixth entry I found myself ready for bed and out of ideas.

1... Toastmasters tonight. I gave my fourth speech. It would have benefited from additional preparation, but it's done and my lesson is learned. I give another speech in three weeks as I'm trying to complete the first workbook (10 speeches total) before the year is out. *Whew* What comes to mind is this: who asks for a homework assignment? That's exactly what I did tonight. It feels a little crazy.

2... Almost a full moon tonight. Or maybe it is complete. I couldn't be certain, but the yellow moon that hung low in the sky and dipped in or out of a haze of clouds was beautiful.

3... Raccoons again in the dumpsters tonight. We've got a whole family of 'em living here at my apartment complex. They are adorable. Also, my camera phone doesn't do well in dim lighting, so there is no photographic evidence. But there are definitely witnesses. Oh yes. Yes there are.

4... I'm going to renew my lease! Hey, how about that. I'm eight months in one spot and I've just decided I'm going to be at this place a whole year from now. I've moved 4 times in the past 3 years, so this will be a treat. The only circumstance that could shake this is that Corporate Training job I've been gunning for. Even then it would take convincing. My digs are the bee's knees. My neighbor is bomb. Moving's a bitch. There you have it.

5... Listened to Mozart's Requiem on the way home tonight. The music tears through my head sometimes, and tonight it was on. It makes me miss playing piano. I contemplate resuming lessons and a Bachelor's Degree and oh, how I do love music. Still, I have a propensity for spreading myself thin and I'm going to focus on Toastmasters for the rest of the year. Did I mention I have 4.5 months to give 6 speeches? Well, I'm going to try.
Additionally, this is the recording of the Requiem I purchased. I've known about it for over a dozen years and finally decided it was time. If you are looking for such a recommendation, here it is.

6... Roommate *and friend* Lisa is still amazing. I'm learning a lot and she's learning a lot and we love each other like sisters. My apartment sometimes feels cramped & I've contemplated putting the kitchen table in my garage. Who can say if that would actually be beneficial, even if I was able to make room for the chairs as well. There's nothing else that could fit in its place. Though a baby grand would be okay by me. Yeah. That's not going to happen.

Lost in Translation? continued

2010-08-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

I finished watching "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" last week and I remain disappointed with the adaptation. Too many omissions, too many substitutions for the sake of drama or convenience. This is nothing on the actors: their portrayals were gritty and true to the book. I am curious what the U.S. will do to their version film with all the beautiful people they are looking to cast (Daniel Craig as Blomkvist?!).

The debate remains unresolved: screenplays exercise liberties that can be well-received as frequently as they produce films that are abominations. This is nothing new. I'll admit I've never read Mitchell's "Gone with the Wind" because the movie was such a complete package for me. Generally speaking, I am much more interested in books than movies these days. Screenwriting is an art, so why don't more screenwriters pen original works than rework existing texts? Or, perhaps Hollywood is Hollywood and I can't do a darn thing about it.

Lost in Translation?

2010-07-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Stieg Larsson's "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (although the original title in Swedish "Män som hatar kvinnor" translates "Men who hate women"). I also began watching the film. I'm stuck about halfway through right now because of all the changes to the story line. As a standalone piece, I understand that there are challenges to overcome what with the physical time that limits the presentation of a story to an audience. However, because of the likelihood that a significant percentage of movie-goers will also have read the book, I think that there are parts of the story that should be honored. For instance, don't kill off a significant character via cancer before the plot has even wound itself around to that point. With this novel, I definitely felt Larsson introduced events in a decisive order which built up the story just so. The story is so fresh in my mind that I got a hiccup in my brain every time things went differently. Which in an hour and a half of watching the movie has happen A LOT.

I could continue, line by line, to compare the storytelling, but I'm more interested in opening this up to discussion.

Do you have experience with screenwriting adaptations? If so, what guidelines are usually followed when turning a story into a movie? If not, what guidelines would you establish?
What are the best/worst adaptations?
Artistic integrity is important to any creator's medium. On what terms do novels and the films that are adapted from them coexist?

Getting Better All the Time

2010-07-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

I thought, a couple weeks ago, that I'd had the best weekend ever: there were three lovely days that just kept outdoing themselves. Or, competing for a place in my heart.

Then there was this weekend, today in particular. To my amazing fortune, I have gathered these amazing people into my life who have constantly stimulated my heartstrings. I love it. Last night it was pizza and wine and a silly movie with my neighbors, plus an invitation to come over in the morning for chocolate croissants and coffee. This morning it started about 9am, a simple text that the croissants were baking and coffee was brewing. It was supposed to be a simple date with my oldest friend (we've known each other since I was in 5th grade) and it just grew into my neighbors & friends of mine going for a long hike (we saw deer!) and then a big early dinner (wings & ribs & beer!) and a movie (Inception!) and ice cream (Cold Stone!) and am I gushing enough yet (Hee Hee!)?

I thought of Monty quite a bit this weekend, a sharp contrast next to the time I spent with friends. I still almost see him in the shadows, or out of the corner of my eye. He's not here, and I contemplate getting another cat, but space is limited these days. I've already got a roommate and my Mango and Moxie cats. A third cat just seems like it'd be too cramped. So I dally & delay. I know that, if I think hard enough, the imbalance is not just the lacking of a cat, but The Cat. One day it'll feel right to adopt, but the timing is off regardless of how adorable cats are.

I'm home by myself for a short time. Music is playing as I type and I wonder if it is because I don't like the silence, or that the quiet would be too much for me. And I think about how I almost phoned my parents instead of blogging. And I think about how satisfying it is to be tired right now. Today is a good day to be alive.

Lentil

2010-07-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

I made a fantastic lentil soup tonight from scratch. It is so extremely satisfying to cook these days. I love experimenting with different flavors and spices.

This past month has been a whirlwind of who knows what. A couple of earthquakes, acquiring a roommate, and redoubling my efforts at Toastmasters thanks to a call from the hiring manager for the bank's Corporate Training Department. Looks like I'll have another opportunity to try my hand in that arena before the year is out. Lots of changes, and change is good. Now that I've spent an hour redesigning my blog, I'm off to retire for the evening.

Emphatically Unsure

2010-06-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

Last night, on a walk at dusk, I realized that some bit of MFA-ing endeavors are lodged in the uncertainty of what comes next for me. Graduate School is certainly a way of biding my time while doing something I enjoy. School: I can do that. I know how to work hard, diligently chipping away at a goal once I've officially enrolled and invested in it. But what am I doing, ultimately? Why do I want to write?

I write because I enjoy it. I write well--not that all of that skill shines here in the blog-o-sphere. I enjoy it. I love the study, the challenge of wringing words from my imagination. But much of my time lately has been spent avoiding it.

For instance, this post you're reading. Argh!

Turn Around

2010-05-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

In the space of twenty-four hours, my life has switched gears. A simple text message, and I've been blessed with promise of a roommate. It's given me a permanent grin and unstoppable energy. I've rearranged bedroom and living room furniture and puzzled briefly over what to do next with my closet. I've got some belongings I've been carrying with me and I'm ready to unload them.

There are lots of things running through my brain because I've finally found the key to enable me to take steps toward my future that haven't been available to me.

I am so excited for what's next!

Diffusion

2010-05-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've spent recent ~~days~~ weeks consumed by back episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I only feel slightly guilty that I haven't been making some measurable shade of grand progress in the world. It's even taken my attention from current television shows, including an episode of Glee starring Neil Patrick Harris. It is a temporary obsession. So as I sat down at the piano tonight, I found myself overcome by the need to play. To dig in and clip my fingernails so they didn't stumble sloppily across the keys. I thought and thought as my fingers worked themselves over a Hanon exercise and scales and a Bach Prelude follow with a bit of Michael Nyman coupled with improvisation. I thought about getting my Bachelor's in Music. I called my piano teacher (Linda!) and left a message. I must resume my lessons. I have so many desires. I want it all. I want the knowledge that comes from studying for a degree and I want to feel the passion pouring out of me. It's not necessarily the degree itself, but I don't have it in me to self-direct my studies so why not get one along the way? In addition I need external perspectives. And I want that more than television. More than movies. More than ice cream? I'm not sure about that--I live across the way from a Cold Stone and they've been calling my name for over a week now. What the heck?!

This is where my moniker comes from. Furious means passionate. Muse is inspired. And sometimes, well, I inspire myself right into stasis and stagnation. I get so overwhelmed by wanting to do things that I don't do anything. Just like I haven't written more than three pages of fiction in the past month. I'm well and good at convincing others to write, what with my scheduling and rescheduling meetings for my writers forum. Meanwhile, I'm chowing on hummus and crackers, sucking down bottles of water and running (for only two days...tonight didn't work out so well and it's already 9pm). My short bursts of inspiration need to be harnessed. I'd like to think that's what drives me to: call Linda! run! eat ice cream! clean house! And it can't be made to last as long as I want. Or can it? I do have one Bachelor's Degree already....

Mapping It Out

2010-05-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

Exercising this evening after work felt rejuvenating. I haven't exercised properly for at least six months. I have a love/hate relationship with exercise, but as long as I keep the tunes fresh (a possibility brought to life by Pandora streaming on my cell phone) it remains feasible. I can't really afford to tip my hat to iTunes at the moment, though I would in a heartbeat. Budget-conscious me won't allow it.

Tonight I'm researching grad school. In my heart, there are a few things that I'm looking at. First, I'm not looking at money. I am bearing it in mind, of course, but I'm not going to concern myself with it until I'm offered admission. It makes sense to me to do it this way only because I already know my accounts are short the tens of thousands of dollars that I'll have to hand over. If I continue to live in fear of how much grad school is going to cost me, I may as well get a night job at Starbucks like a proper ostrich. The point is: it's terrifying to think of the debt and I'm over being starry-eyed about future home ownership. On the flip side, the idea that I may move from this apartment and have to give up my gorgeous, cherry red, front-loading LG washer & dryer? Definitely not cool. It's been my biggest purchase in recent years and it's going to be all paid off by December 10 and then it'll be MINE!MINE!MINE!

I digress.

So what I'll be looking for is a couple of low-residency MFA programs. One choice has already been determined for me: Queens University. My friend Erin went there and loved it. She's all graduated now and is writing to save lives from bad restaurants. She is an inspiration to me, and full of encouragement.

Next, the locals. I could stand for a change in scenery, but there are some good schools in my own backyard. I am considering UC Irvine because I love the school & would be honored to be part of the program. Plus two of my friends were admitted for the coming year (for the MFA in Poetry) and it makes me think UCI isn't so big & bad when it comes to accepting alumni applicants. Go 'Eaters!

Chapman University has been in my heart since I was twelve, so I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to imagining myself actually attending classes on the campus. It's a silly-little-girl fascination wherein I fell in love with the place before I knew much about it. It's EXPENSIVE. But I'm drawn to their unique Dual MA/MFA degree. It's a three year program that will net me an MA in English and an MFA in Creative Writing. If there's another university out there that offers something comparative, let me in on your secret! I'm so curious....

That's my progress thus far. Time for more research. Stay tuned!

Make Your Mind Up

2010-05-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

Indecisiveness is part of my nature. The inverse is also true. Before I commit to something, I hem and haw. Last night it was: which desert should I bring to dinner? I brought more than was necessary for two people, and at one point I had even more in my shopping basket.

Decisiveness happens when I've got ten minutes to get to work in the morning so I take the toll road. Or when I'm tired and hit the snooze button. Those are easy decisions.

I'm not liking where this is headed. LOL.

Titles Are Overrated

2010-05-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

I experimented last month. I went uber-fiscally-conservative. Tracked every single expense. Refrained from dining out. Stuck to the necessities, for the most part. And I have come to the conclusion that I cannot get ahead.

I'm not complaining. Good grief, it sounds like I am about to, doesn't it? But I've been examining the facts. I make a livable wage. I pay a reasonable rent for the locale--I hunted for the perfect place for a month and a half prior to committing to a lease. I live extremely well. Ah! but it's not sufficient. I can't get ahead.

I could cut back on groceries; I need to get more creative with the perishables in my cupboards. I have too much overhead for the income I'm pulling in and have determined that what would help me most is a roommate. Or a higher income. Or moving out of town, except that involves the whole "get a new job" bit. I'm not sure how to get ahead.

I'm happy here! I love my digs, having friends over, making friends with the neighbors...by far this is the most at home I've felt with myself in recent years. How do I increase the level of satisfaction?

At any rate, I feel like I'm mostly talking to myself here. Of course others have felt the same thing recently...I know I'm not alone. With the stock market's recent rocky activity I am thoroughly grateful that my job isn't in danger.

*pause*

That was me just imagining a scenario where I lost my job. It was pretty hairy.

I am without any apocalyptic conclusions here, but I'll be working on it. Something has to give, and it sure isn't going to be me "giving up." No way.

Silence

2010-05-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

I stepped out to run errands after dinner tonight. The sun had set, but the sky was still lit up from the corners in glowing shades of cranberry and violet. It was hot today, so the heat still radiated from the pavement and the apartment buildings as I walked to my car.

From there, I had the world's fastest visit to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I scored some seat cushions at an unbelievable price ($6 each). They weren't for me (I am Property Manager on the House Corporation Board for a local sorority that I joined as an alumnae 2 years ago), but "who doesn't like a sale!" I was in and out in less than 15 minutes. What can I say, I knew I had to put the heat on me to make a decision.

From there, off to an eerily silent Target. Target was open until 11pm tonight. The parking lot (it was just after 9 at this point) was incredibly manageable compared to previous trips made during daylight hours.

And, I just started yawning in the middle of this post. Which could be a good indicator that this is so boring that it's boring the writer. Or that I am tired. Perhaps a bit of both.

What I was getting at, prior to interrupting myself, is that there was so much quiet around it was palpable. I walked to another store in the parking lot and then walked back to my car. The silence allowed me to feel a slight heat that was still seeping from the stuccoed buildings. I turned one-eighty and continued to walk backwards to see if it was my imagination, but it wasn't. One half of me felt the warmth, while the other half facing the parking lot did not.

Reaching my car, I quickly silenced the radio and rolled down my windows. A car alarm started to go off, and as I rolled away I heard the pitch bending like they play it in the movies and on television. It was beautiful, and it made me smile and think that I wanted to write everything down right then. I kept driving, but I tried to remember as much as possible to recreate for you here...

Karaoke Teaches Me a Lesson

2010-05-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

This weekend was different, breaking the mold of what weekends have been for me for many many months. The change is unexpected. Life happens and I've always envisioned myself a go-with-the-flow type girl. I was so wrong about that one. How'd I miss that about myself?

I think somewhere along the line when I started making plans for my friend's out-of-state wedding five months in advance, I could have clued in. Or when I got antsy because my work schedule wasn't mapped out four weeks in advance because I wanted to know what Saturdays I'd be losing half a day to. So when I hung out with newish friends last night minus one person who is usually part of the crew (the one who introduced me to them), I felt a little off my game. I couldn't soften up the fact that I can be shy around people I'm still getting to know by drinking because my body's still in recovery mode from being sick all this week. Dealing in raw reality is really challenging for me, especially when friendship histories are in their youth; I want to be liked. I've wanted to be liked since elementary school. But let me tell you...

The birthday party was Fun. I got Dressed Up! Put on Makeup! I Karaoked last night! I wasn't drunk and I sang Toto's "Africa," which was really out of my vocal range. Then I sang Costello's "Watching the Detectives." That was much better as my voice felt more like singing alto. The point that I'm getting to here is that it was refreshing not to feel like the tag-along friend. Furthermore, that all that stuff that was bouncing around my head about friendship was complete bullocks. I've got to...man up, in a way. To realize that I'm in control and not my emotionally-charged perceptions. Ha! Go Me!

Good Evening

2010-04-22T20:21:00.001-07:00

Welcome back, furiousmuse dot com readers. My domain is in tact again, though not without a few anxious nights. I had to wait until it went up for auction at GoDaddy.com. I had to bid, and I had to hope that some crazy person wouldn't come in at the last minute to snipe it while I was at work. It was with much relief that I never received that "You've been outbid!" text message as I've tied quite a bit of my identity with the name "furiousmuse." I do wish I could've found out who was bidding against me. Curiosity is just that, however, and there is no benefit to be found in that revelation.

I'd like to think that life is getting more interesting for me these days, but I think most of that is in my head. As I talked to my mom this afternoon, noting the fact that I'm not getting divorced, I'm not graduating from college, and my cat's not dying, I wondered what we could talk about. Our conversation digressed to our cats' odd behaviors, mixed in with a little bit about the weather and my wondering when she and dad would come down and visit So Cal. Parent-child relationships are more awkward when the child becomes an adult, but I am just speaking for myself. Long distances don't help, and when I find myself planning trips that don't involve seeing them, I confess there's a bit of guilt that weighs on me as I share the news. The last few years, however, have involved going wherever JetBlue flies because I've managed to earn about one free flight a year. So, enough with the guilt is what I'm sayin'. I can't wait to see my friend get married in Austin in the Fall.

No Philosophy Today

2010-04-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

I've successfully reclaimed furiousmuse.com for my own (I lost it through neglect and general fuzzy-brained awareness) and now have the thrilling task of converting it into something useful. I'm coming to grips with the fact that a website that was once hosted for free may start costing me $80 a year. I'm hoping to somehow cut that down to, well, something less than that. Especially because I don't need all the bells and whistles like email and lots and lots of gigs of space. Additionally, I'm trying to work through the technical aspects of hosting it somewhere other than GoDaddy. I haven't been entirely thrilled with how slow their own website runs, but then again I also lack an understanding of their database, and how the code that runs must parse through the data to give users their requested information. And also I have no idea how many requests they can be getting at any one time.

In other news, tonight's drive home from Laguna Beach post my Taco Loco dining experience was somewhat somber as my stereo went on a walkabout for, oh, ever? I remember hearing a noise like a thunk, almost as though something fell over, immediately after starting the car. I figured it had come from outside as the sound was muffled. Then, the stereo (which was probably on when I turned the car off) wouldn't respond to any of my fingertips jabbing at the controls. I whipped out my phone & began streaming Pandora. (This is where sleep overtakes me.)

With a Little Help

2010-04-08T13:28:00.001-07:00

Every day since Monty's passing, I've gotten up. I've cared for Mango and Moxie, dusted myself off and cared for myself, and gone to work (or not, depending on the day of the week). I haven't stopped caring about this life, but I won't deny that I've felt as though I've been treading water since his initial diagnosis at the beginning of the year. Today is roughly four months since that day. I don't want my life to be lived on a treadmill; I need progress.

Consciousness is the name of the game these days. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What do I want to do? I recently told a dear friend that I wanted to make sure I was enrolled in graduate school before I turned 40. 'I think you can do better,' was the response I received. So I went and got myself a grad school buddy and we made a pact to keep each other accountable. I needed a deadline to keep myself on track. I work well with a specific goal. I'll be working on my writing and aim to send out applications by the next round (roughly by the end of the year). I'll be applying to local schools and to low-residency programs in tandem. And I may throw in a school or two that's out of state. If an out-of-state program can support me, I'll do it. Why not? I have near and dear friends who live out of state as it is, so I know that distance isn't going to be the thing that lessens my care for people.

This has nothing to do with the fact that Teri, Herman, and I went to see Hot Tub Time Machine last night. Which has nothing to do with anything, except that I Love the 80's and wanted to share it. We had a rollicking good time.

digression

2010-03-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

i've been asked by a friend to do some ghost writing. i don't know anything of the subject matter save that it is nonfiction. all i can think of is "hooray! an assignment!" i've been negligent in my pursuit of the written word. except for reading it, which is coming back with an appetite so eager that it's been a challenge to limit myself to my existing bookshelf. i added a benjamin's worth of books to my amazon shopping cart before clicking "save for later," "save for later," "save for later...". i do remember the library...what is it about owning books? is it the convenience? the act of possessing it? do tell: what is it for you?

in memorium

2010-03-04T19:57:00.001-08:00

monty
june 1997 - 24 february 2010

imagine caring for a member of your family who lacks the mental capacity to rationalize pain and suffering the way a thinking being can and does. imagine a terminal diagnosis. imagine you are the one who has to choose that final day. compress this into less than eight weeks.

losing the first cat i adopted to cancer in such a rush is heart-wrenching. is. present tense. the more i grasp this, the more i well up with emotion. i have a much better grasp of euthanasia...and i see the reasons for it. i nearly gave a speech about it at toastmasters. i had this whole plan...i wasn't going to reveal monty as a feline until the end. then the day of the speech ended up being the day that i scheduled the vet to come to my house. i knew for two days that the day was coming. it made me vigilant at home; i was comatose at work. i vacillated between whether or not i wanted the ashes. it was too soon. the ashes were not my cat. i wasn't ready to choose.

i paid for everything in advance. first it was no, but then i called back and said yes, i do want his remains. i wasn't about to set myself up with a choice that could not be undone; i have this antipathy for regret. this was meant to be imperfect.

i miss monty. i am ever-grateful for the two cats who are mewing and chasing each other around my apartment. they banish loneliness and emptiness here. so now, our quartet is a trio. though the sound be less dense, what beautiful harmonies we make.

expiration date

2010-02-11T22:04:00.000-08:00

my domain expires soon, and though i've been posting for a while to furiousmuse.blogspot.com, those typing in furiousmuse.com have been forwarded here.

i'm giving up the ghost, i think. i'm not entirely sure what that means. i'll seek out another moniker, i'll reestablish myself purposefully, and i'll go forth to do different things than i've been doing. i don't feel like furiousmuse fits anymore. or perhaps i'm just having one of those weeks where things get pulled into question. needless to say, i've been needing to get over the guilt associated with this blog. which includes, but is not limited to:

i don't blog enough
i complain too much
the topics for discussion are depressing
i don't feel free talk about the things that mean something to me

sure, there's a counterargument to be found in that, but truth is i'd rather erase this etch-a-sketch creation and start fresh.

so be it.

anticipation/reflection/decision*

2010-02-01T23:14:00.000-08:00

(*in no particular order)

monty's snoozing heavily in front of the mirrored closet door, but i'm sitting at such an angle as to obstruct my view of his reflection. it prompts me to think of the inevitable, to think that one day i will see this patch of carpet without his slumbering body camped out upon it. insert some brand of expletive here which summarizes my loathing for what cancer is doing to my cat. fuck you, cancer. seriously. sure my cat's dropped five pounds, but i'd not have wished him to lose weight this way.

one thing i fought with last week was getting him to eat. i'd leave for work lucky to have watched him down a teaspoon of food and come home to face the same struggle: my other cats, healthy (one trim, one plump), dominate at the food bowl. monty, from what i can tell, can't stand the drama. the decision i made yesterday is that, when i'm not home, i lock monty up in my bedroom with plenty of food and his own litter box. lo! it worked like a charm. food was eaten! and yet, the part of me that humanizes him wonders, "was he lonely?" chances are, no. in fact, lately his interaction with his brothers has been minimal. he eats. he sleeps. he follows me around when i am home and butts his head against my hand when i am sitting down. he purrs.

the fact that i know that i am going to lose this dear cat, that the time is imminent, is unnerving. it's made me unsettled and i feel like part of me is on pause until the day. in my head i've made the final decisions given the various foreseeable variables. it takes more energy than normal to drive things forward. i'd been dragging my feet for a month about reestablishing my writers group; tonight saw an end to that. so, good on me for that. i pat myself on the back and encourage me not to stop there.

yeah, but if i continue to talk in this manner i'm sure nothing good can come of it. i hope you see the point though...living in the shadow of things yet to come can be disabling. i'm trying to overcome that. i aim to. sometimes i will succeed, and sometimes i will not. the point is to try, and to accept, well, all of it.

rainy days and mondays

2010-01-18T23:03:00.000-08:00

things are stabilizing with monty. his appetite is back, and after a week of administering fluids, i think it's time to see how he does without them. there's no recovery at this point, but i'm doing the best i can to make sure he's able to be himself. it's eerie to me that he has been given only a few months to live, but i see the external signs (there is some swelling in his wrist caused by bone growing where bone should not grow, and his breathing seems shallow at times because of the combination of asthma and [most likely] tumors reducing his lung capacity) and cannot ignore them.

i'm doing better with this than i was immediately after hearing the news (and certainly since my last post). i had quite a bit of down time on the weekend, but some up time as well--including getting a guitar. my friend's brother is going to give me lessons and i can feel the tips of my left hand wincing as i type this--that's after only two days of practice. yay for calluses! i wish they'd formed already, as my small hands need to practice scales to gain the kind of dexterity i'd like to have. i was a teenager last time i tried to learn to play something (piano) and string instruments have always been incredibly intimidating, so i say "bring it on!" i'll be serenading at campfires all summer. (note to self: take singing lessons concurrently)

monty

2010-01-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

the weight of my affection hangs heavy on my heart. with tuesday's visit to the vet, you in tow, learned of things that make it both easier and more difficult to cope. with tuesday's visit to the vet, with you who let me trim all toenails in one sitting, four pounds lighter (when? i wondered...), a five-week old limp, and who suddenly ate little to nothing, vomiting or refusing food, who had asthma attacks though he was on prednisone.... all these symptoms and it wasn't until the x-rays were back-lit that i suspected something. it wasn't until the words "bad news" slipped from her tongue that i narrowed my eyes on your frame and looked for the hairline fracture or the distinct leap from bone to bone on the film. my eyes looped on the part that didn't fit, the part where part of you had been erased, so that when she said "cancer" i shook and fought to reject the truth. my eyes rested on the picture of your wrists, side-by-side, complete-and-incomplete. she grabbed a box of tissues, though the tears that were there in an instant dried up with all the questions i had.

you were better after our visit. you bathed yourself and ate the food that was offered. the food didn't agree with you though, so this morning something different was on your plate. and when i came home i saw it didn't agree with you. another phone call netted a trip to the grocery store for pepsid, and you fell for me when i opened the can of starkist tuna (you'd refused the other food i procured). you kept it down--i'm so proud of you.

so this is how the heart breaks
for a beloved feline.
i wonder how long this will last? how much time we have?
i hate how inefficiently and insufficiently my words capture it all.

ever onward

2009-12-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

my living room floor is layers of boxes, empty and full, and documents that i've determined need keeping. i'm less and less tolerant of what needs to come with me. each time i move, it's like a shedding of skin. i peel the layers off and what i need to keep stays in tact. i've said goodbye to old letters and cards, photographs, high school trophies. i've kept a fourth of the photos i found, and intend to do something useful like put them in an album. i still can't bring myself to toss out two dozen mix tapes, though i haven't owned a working cassette player in about three years--and even back then it was in my car.

i'm sitting on a sofa i bought 9 years ago. it is in amazing condition. i'm glad it came back to me. i saw pictures of it tonight, in its youth in san clemente. it reminded me of things.

earlier today, i hired movers. as it turned out, the cost of moving all my belongings versus just paying someone to move the piano isn't dramatically different. i couldn't be more pleased. things are falling into place these days with work & now my future home. the next step is more writing. if EVER there was a New Year's Resolution, let that be mine!

pondering, weak & weary

2009-10-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

i've been fighting off the potential cold this week, and thus far it remains only a potential. it could be really bad allergies. who can tell these days? well, not me.

tonight i cooked for the first time in about two weeks. it felt wonderful to go through the actions: a brief stop at the grocery store for a handful of supplies, then home to whip up spaghetti and meatballs. i managed to balance the entire preparation with two loads of laundry and a tubful of handwashables, so i'm feeling particularly accomplished this evening. i froze part of the sauce as my version of cooking for one never looks like i'm cooking for one. at least this time i think it'll keep. i tried to freeze part of a frittata once, and that didn't work out so well for me. at least one taste bud shed a tear as i tossed it into the trash a month later; the frittata was frostbitten, and the egg had turned a darker shade of yellow. ick.

next week i start my new position with the bank. how excited am i? so excited, i can't even tell you. plus, i'm sleepy now...

holding back, part 2

2009-10-01T18:34:00.001-07:00

so i thought about a path that involves fewer cats. i've decided that's not what it's about. as mango lay on my pillow this morning and kneaded my head for a good 15 minutes while monty nestled at my feet and moxie licked at the water dripping from the bathroom faucet, i thought, "this is a good life i have, and what i need to stop doing is looking at my cats as an excuse not to do something: vacation, move, take a weekend away, whatever."

consider it done.

holding back

2009-09-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

i was given food for thought this recent weekend: the same weekend i shot a rifle for the first time, and got my first bruise from the kick i felt on the second shot i took because i wasn't holding the durn thing properly nestled into my shoulder, and on the weekend where i took second place in an area contest for evaluator at toastmasters, and on a weekend where i ate at denny's because i couldn't sleep (the same denny's i went to throughout high school and the same denny's where last i dined with a crowd of current & former students for a goodbye meal with the music teacher from that same high school). other stuff happened, conversations were conversed, and let me tell you a la "the dude": new shit has come to light, man.

most of it concerns progressing beyond where i am, to grow into someone who is constantly learning and being challenged. part of that encompasses professional growth, financially stability, yadda yadda yadda--all the "grown up" stuff. other bits are more academically based, and still others are more deeply personal. so i was prompted in one conversation to look at the things that may be holding me back--to take these things into consideration and closely examine them. and three of those things are my cats.

back when i was looking at moving to new york in july, that was one thing that i needed to arrange for, and one thing that limited my appeal as a future roommate. and so i'm taking the time to just consider what it would be like to be less beholden to my cats. i don't know. i'm resistant to it. mind you, this is all hypothetical. but if i had the opportunity to place them in caring homes, could i part with one or two of them? i couldn't give up monty because he is my first, because that feels like a betrayal--a line i'm not willing to cross. the others? i just don't know. it's crazy to consider. but i'm really trying to scale back on things, and pet care/food is expensive, and i'd like to maybe have a roommate again when my lease is up so i can save more money.

yeah, i pretty much can't even come to grips with this without tearing up (also, pandora has cued up some depressing iron & wine song to accompany my blogging activities).

i'll put the query to you, readers: what are your thoughts? what could you give up if it meant that you would be less limited in some regard, if it would allow you to gain something desirable in your life? i'm not just talking pets here, the thing in question could be any number of things. how would you do it?

weekend update

2009-09-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

it's not as though i don't have free time, but working up the energy to post...it takes energy. and i've been awfully contemplative of late. as in, basically, this year in full. but corie, this one's for you.

toastmasters! i'm so glad i've joined this. it challenges me to get out of my shell and i am being stretched and am growing as a result of this new thing in my life. i gave my first speech the other week, and due to a record low in attendance, don't really have all that much to say about it. it went well, i stayed within my allotted 4-6 minutes, and as there were no other prepared speeches that week, i won "best speaker" by default. i was disappointed in the minimal feedback that i received. i want people to be as critical of me as i am on myself, but something tells me that i'm going to have to play inner observer while i'm giving speeches so that i can get the kind of feedback i want. the other thing, which another member suggested, is that i compose my introduction (every prepared speech-giver writes their own introduction) as one that comes out and says "hey, it's okay to offer me something constructive, or something that may seem a little harsh. i can take it. i really want to grow here and i could sure go for a lack of timidity when it comes to your feedback." or, you know, something a little friendlier than that, but you get where i'm going here. i've received enough creative writing criticism that i'm long past the part where i take things personally. this is about grading a performance, in a way, and i hunger for honesty. honestly now, why's it got to be so difficult?

my job! i've still got one. yep. same job i've been doing for a while. same one that makes me feel like my brain's been leaking out of my ear for the past 15 months since i graduated from college. same role which earned me a whopping $.33 raise. i have a job, and i'm grateful, but i'm so bored and i've now been turned down for the third position i've hoped to advance to within the bank. and i'm starting to think that i've been barking up the wrong tree, as i keep hearing this (or variations of): "If you didn't get the job, it just means that there's something else out there for you." i could look at this two different ways: chin up, friend, sorry it didn't work out--i'm still rooting for you. OR: you are on the Wrong Path and you should be putting your energy elsewhere! so, instead of going back to barking up That Same Tree again, i'm looking at my life, rut that it seems to be in, stupid cyclical rut, and i'm sayin' hey, there are two factors at work here. first, the economy has made the company i work for hellla competitive for internal candidates. second, what on earth am i doing trying to advance in a company that i've been trying to get out of? which brings me to...

grad school! i want to pursue it with renewed vigor. and though i was hoping i might be able to make a few extra bucks somewhere en route, i can just dig in my heels and stick to my new budget and try and keep my head above water. i can study for the gre and invest in my writing and narrow down the schools i want to apply to. i wish i didn't need my dissatisfaction to keep reminding me, but i am easily distracted and when things seem to be running smoothly, that's when complacency sets in and i forget to fight for what i want.

life! i do believe that it's possible to make progress without being unhappy, but i will note that the things which upset me are more likely to spur me on to make a change or five in my life. so, in that respect, i do wonder if i am the cause of my unhappiness at times. i can look at critical moments and think about how i could have rolled over and played dead. that the problem might have gone away or been less difficult. or just less of a problem. but life doesn't work like that for me. in fact, it's more likely that a problem i have, like this whole work versus graduate school, will keep rearing its head until I Deal With It. so here i am, spelling it out. dealing with it. in a public forum no less. go me!

flashback thought! i was watching "my so-called life" on hulu tonight. and darn it all if i didn't just start thinking about myself and feeling this weird mental regression set in as i scrounged in the kitchen for food and felt so proud of myself for having my own place after college and having a job. some of my fellow alum don't have bragging rights on this just yet, and there is this strange envy that i feel along with the pride--oh, to still be under the protective shelter of the parental home! no bills! spoonfuls of responsibility instead of costco-sized cases of it! there's a trade off though, and i trust that i'm right where i need to be right now. and i am proud that i've made it here, carving out my little bit of space with my cats and my dishes and silverware and my work suits and my internet which i am actually paying for and not pirating from some innocent neighbor with an unprotected wi-fi router.

life is good.

my weekend

2009-08-30T15:33:00.001-07:00

Bengal!, originally uploaded by furiousmuse.

...has been spent wanting this cat for my own. and the first few minutes spent visiting a friend was focused on trying to nab a decent picture with my cell phone. Success!

days of yester-yore

2009-08-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

i have no work this afternoon and my piano is getting a long-overdue massage, so i'm at home and in a non-vegetative or out-getting-errands-run mode. which means i'm actually reading and deleting or responding to old emails. and cruising around on facebook. oh yes.

an interesting thing has happened in the past week. two groups have started up on facebook for places that i used to work at but that are no longer in business. i've run into a few people i knew back then, and it's prompted me to think on those first few years right after high school. it's been a long time since i've been exactly that person, and i wonder how people thought of me back then and what they'd think of me now. i mean that mostly out of curiosity, not out of any desire to self-flagellate. the critical way at which i look at the years past is done with a sort of detached attachment: i see who i was and it interests me how i progressed from there to now. (to be continued...)

the saturation of the hue

2009-08-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

the ongoing stirrings of decision-making are coalescing into something more concrete every single day. can i tell you just how awesome this is for me? i've been so focused on what i want to get out of my graduate school research that i'm likely to get ridiculously giddy at each revelation that kicks its way to life. the latest and greatest, which i gleaned in a discussion en route to LA with a writer friend, is that i do want to go for a program which will allow me to TA while i'm in attendance so that i may gain much-needed experience in that arena. so, that pretty much settles that bit. and now to hone in on the mfa/ma nuances and pick some schools in places i wouldn't mind living in.

in other news, i've had a flatmate of sorts for just under a week now and it's been the best thing ever. my previous experience didn't go so well, and it highlighted how picky i ~~can be~~ am about my stuff and my space. but now i am in a one bedroom and i feel completely at ease with all of it. it's been funny--i actually thought it would be more difficult for me to let someone be at home in my home. there is a fine balance, and it depends on the individual you are sharing space with. thankfully in my current situation, i have felt relaxed from the get go: her self-sufficience and aura of peaceful calm washed over me like a gentle rain pretty much instantaneously. no one knows what the future holds for either of us at this point, but if it makes us card-carrying roommates, i'd be down.

MFA vs. MA

2009-07-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

so the debate in my head rambles on: what type of graduate degree to pursue? my research has been fruitful, when i wasn't interrupted mid-thought by pesky customers. i mean, Hello? Can't you see I'm busy?

UC Davis turned up some useful info:

Traditionally, the difference between a Master of Arts (M.A.) and a Master of Fine Arts (M.F.A.) is that the former is rooted in an English department so that the emphasis is on the study of literature and how literary study informs creative work. An M.F.A. is a studio degree situated among M.F.A.s in the other arts (visual arts, music, etc). However, as you might have discovered in your research, the actual courses of study required for an M.A. vs. an M.F.A. are sometimes virtually identical and sometimes have almost nothing in common. Both degrees make you minimally eligible for the same academic appointments (although it should be stressed that in the current academic market no degree is meaningful without an impressive publication record) and both degrees prepare you for Ph.D. programs in creative writing (the terminal degree in the field).

and it really is true: whatever they're calling the degree these days, the proof is in the pudding: what the university outlines as the curriculum for either degree is what i need to focus on. the hardest thing for me to delineate is just how much more academic the phrase "master of arts in creative writing" sounds in comparison to "master of fine arts in creative writing." i mean, really, who am i to quibble over words. and the other part of this is that some MA programs require applicants to submit GRE scores. so right there again, test-taking by default gives the impression that said degree is somehow more legit. right?

one of the most intriguing things that i've learned about so far is that stanford's stegner fellowship sounds like an absolute dream come true. palo alto is a particularly beautiful (albeit ridiculously expensive) area in northern cal and i would love love love to spend time there and, heck, why don't you just throw in a benefactor somewhere along the line, in addition to the modest (meager?) $26,000 annual stipend? someone to fund my itch for learning and teaching and writing. someone to cover my living expenses, and those of my cats, and i will show you that i am a learning machine. then again, at the end of the fellowship, there is no class ring, no graduation, no job. so goodbye, fair stanford. i might have known you, if i'd had more patience, more time, more money, more flexibility.

in the end, it's about the writing and the teaching for me. i want to do both. i've been a pansy at the writing lately, though the increased blogging activity is forcing me to exorcise those demons of laziness. i am hopeful that i will search out the right programs to apply for and that wherever i end up going will be a good fit. i'll keep you posted...

putting life into balance

2009-07-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

in recent years, the turn of events in my life has been chaotic and disorganized. wanting change, and not understanding what that encompassed and how it would affect me, has beget poorly executed and poorly timed decisions. i've been erratic, driven by what i've felt in the moment and i've paid the consequences in the aftermath. through an ever-increasing cognizance, i'm managing to reduce the ill-affects and actually start to make things happen. i'm starting to actively participate in my life. it's making all the difference.

new york was one thing. i didn't know how that would go over until i put it to the test. things continue to be challenging--to focus on a few things so that i may do them well. i've never been good at that. it's like an attention deficit, except that i'm trying to pay attention to too many things at once. i have a few things that i love in this life though, and then i have the things that are required of me, and then there are the things that i'm doing because of how i think i'll benefit from them (like toastmasters). a job is required. so how do i incorporate the things i love (music, writing, reading) into the 9-5? that question is ever-present and i wonder aloud: reader, how do you do it? do you love what you do, or is it just a job, or is it somewhere in between? do share...

confessions of a toastmaster

2009-07-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

tonight, i joined toastmasters. i figured that, as long as i'm on this crazy journey of self discovery and wondering what comes next, i may as well do something useful. besides, more and more i'm inching toward the teaching profession. toastmasters will help me get down with my speechifying self and i'm totally down for learning about talking in front of people. it also makes me feel like i should be fifty. i mean, seriously? there was this pre-existing stigma that meetings were full of retired folk looking for the next victim to join their bridge club. happily, these thoughts are totally unfounded. i've managed to hit on a wonderfully well-balanced group: a variety of youngish and more mature with varying backgrounds. it makes for some spicy meetings--though i've only attended two so far, they tend toward the controversial and are very respectful of differing viewpoints. it is fantastic.

and, what next? i'm still eking that all out. i'm pretty sure there's a master's degree somewhere in there though--i very much want to teach.

post NYC pre-relocation experiment

2009-07-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

there are things that i like about where i live. i do enjoy driving (as i was reminded on my way home from the airport). i am grateful for my abundance of friends. there is wonderful weather here, safe neighborhoods, and plentiful mexican food. i have a crazywonderful group of writers who keep me honest and keep me sane. i am glad to know this place like the back of my hand: negotiating side streets, knowing where the closest trader joe's is...

there are things that drive me insane. i don't like that nighttime activities are in short supply. i don't like having to drive extensive distances to do stuff, especially when it affects the kind of night i'll be having on the drive home--like when the southbound 5 is perpetually closed down after 10pm and i'm trying to get home after a concert at the hollywood bowl. that's why i'm taking the park & ride next week to go see philip glass. seriously! but also it's that i have lived in this area my entire life and sometimes that works against me. sometimes i don't want to drive by a place and be reminded of this, that, or the other thing. it's tough.

so, the love/hate things. there are those aspects, which affected my decision to move. there's the financial aspects. there was the aspect of my cats and the technical challenge of physically relocating: i have enough possessions to fill a one bedroom apartment and a respectable storage closet. i own an artificial christmas tree. these things in my life do not lend themselves to a simple, cross-country jaunt, and while i would be willing to part with many things, i do not think i could downsize enough to make a cross-country move as simple as i wish it could be. ah, attachments!

so, now what? i'm not sure, exactly. there is much to be considered. and first, always first, is the question of where will i work? and what job will i do? (why? because that, that is what enables my ability to "do stuff.")

NYC pre-relocation experiment, final ceremonies

2009-07-12T07:20:00.001-07:00

i haven't left and i miss it already. the endless walking, the waiting for the subway, the pushing my way through times square: it feels like i've fought for a tiny presence in the city every day this week and it feels good to have done so. i am undefeated in my decision to return to california and regroup: it is a choice gotten to by the careful weighing of facets of the temporary and permanent move, which would surely eat up 70-80 percent of my meager savings. that was a primary concern of mine. secondary to that, i was of course concerned about the job market issue, and i'd considered looking for jobs in banking as well as the publishing industry just so i could get myself started in new york. the problem with that: what i'm searching for isn't exclusively location and i don't want to base my "getting somewhere" on the "somewhere" alone. i want to do something different with my life as far as my career goes. something that ties in with the things i enjoy. i do not want to move to new york to be a banker for a single second. period. sure it would be new and different at first, but i've been there and done that, i'm there right now, and my love of retail banking is on the downturn. "different" (ie. working for another bank) only lasts so long, and then once

all of that that was difficult to deduce in all of this because i wanted to be in new york city so badly. so i'm glad i made the trip out here to solidify my choice and think things through. it's been a lot of fun and it's only the beginning of my path to figure out what comes next in my life.

NYC pre-relocation experiment, day 5 we've reached a decision

2009-07-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

poised on the verge of putting down a deposit, money in hand from the bank, i woke up yesterday and probably about an hour later knew that i wasn't ready to take the leap of faith (ie. quit my job and come to New York in hopes of big and great things). there was a lot behind that choice, which was largely financially based. and i'll go into things more at a later date. for now, i'm tired. this process has been rich but exhausting and i'll be happy to delve at a later date.

NYC pre-relocation experiment, day 4a.m. trepidation

2009-07-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

my time here is nearly over. i'm on the verge of making a decision, putting down a deposit, changing my life up in a huge and unstable and dramatic fashion. i can hardly stand it. no, i haven't made up my mind yet. i think i've got some more things to grind on internally and i thought blogging would help, but really i just need to solidify my thoughts on my own before exploring them in a public forum.

i'll be back later today to let you know what i come up with.

NYC pre-relocation experiment, day 3

2009-07-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

when i woke up this morning, a tad groggy and sluggish, i had a moment of alarm: i had no more apartments to look at. i shot a few emails out to potential locations before heading to lunch and managed to schedule another appointment for this evening, and one for tomorrow. so...

apartment number five was sort of in hell's kitchen. the southern end. way southern, to the point that i quickly lost interest in the area below 42nd street and nearly pulled a u-turn back to my friends' place. and this is where i realize i am totally and completely spoiled. spoiled by california apartment standards, spoiled by my friends who have quite delightful space here in manhattan, and spoiled by apartment number one, which has pretty much stolen my heart. which also brings me to this: if you're showing a place, don't you straighten up a bit? try to present things in an appealing manner? on the flip side, is it better if things were realistic from the get go? i'll take the later i guess. hence why i have only one place on my plate to choose from to date.

tomorrow, hopefully apartments six and seven, one in the east village/union square area and another (unconfirmed) appointment in midtown. and then it's decision day for me.

NYC pre-relocation experiment, day 2

2009-07-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

i think this is starting to catch up with me. i'm a little congested tonight, but i'm enjoying chilling with my friends and watching a little bit of tv (a treat since i have none at home).

so, apartment hunting. or, roommate hunting. or what-part-of-new-york-city-do-i-want-to-live-in hunting. it's been an adventure. my first stop yesterday was in midtown west, a neighborhood i'm very familiar with. i walked past familiar shops and found myself in a very well-kept first floor apartment with a comfortably chatty petite thirty-something woman. i liked the place a lot. and i left without any question in my head that it was a great place. and i also expected the other apartments i'd arranged to view would be much the same. i. was. so. wrong.

neighborhood is everything. seriously.

apartment number two was in park slope, brooklyn. i'm not familiar with what denotes one part of town from another, i confess. and my time out guide isn't very helpful with its little greyed-out names superimposed over the city map. when i got off the train, then, i was a bit surprised. this wasn't the neighborhood i envisioned myself living in. i considered turning around, but i persisted: the pictures i saw of the apartment were pristine, and the area wasn't horrible by any stretch of the imagination--i just want to have more going on where i live. i prefer amenities that are more easily accessible. the apartment, as it turned out, was just as gorgeous as the photographs showed. the woman who lived there, originally from alabama, was delightfully kind and friendly. but i don't want to live there.

the third visit, made this morning, was in murray hill on the east side. i must've made a typo on hopstop (a godsend: i no longer need to whip out my time out "look at me i'm a tourist" guide) as i ended up having to walk about 15 minutes to get back on track when the n dropped me off at 34th and 5th. it wasn't pretty. the neighborhood was pleasant: there was definitely stuff going on. the apartment building was next to a fire station. when i lived in costa mesa, i lived across the street from a fire station. i know how this works. it's loud. sure i feel safe, but did i mention it's loud? again, the woman who i'd be sharing the place with was lovely. the apartment was very cramped-feeling though, with a narrow hall leading to the front doorway, an itty-bitty living-room-ish thing which blended abruptly into the kitchen. i give her credit for keeping things neat and maximizing space though. and her dogs were great: one was an adorable yorkie who sort of adopted me while i was there. the other was another kind of small dog whose breed i am unfamiliar with.

i felt very good about that visit: positive about the neighborhood and about who i'd be sharing space with. it makes me think that there's a lot to look forward to in terms of meeting people out here. at least in the sense that it's doable. it's simply finding the right environment with which to meet them. still, i felt like i was most comfortable in midtown. but then it was off to williamsburg.

i'm getting to know craigslist quite well and one thing that i learned today is that you definitely take a gamble visiting a place that doesn't have pictures posted or who doesn't send you pictures upon request. i also realized that i should spend a bit more time using the street view option in google maps once i get the address to a place. i could have saved myself some time. but, i went, i got the exercise, met a girl in her twenties with a messy apartment, and got the hell out as fast as i could. this was not the part of williamsburg that i am familiar with, and i had done enough work for the day. number four was a NO faster than...i dunno. something really fast. i've been working on this post all evening and i think my brain's about to implode.

so i headed back toward "home" via a stopover in union square (another favorite area of mine) and caught some street jazz, some of the green market, a pair of comfortable shoes at dmw. it's been a great day of learning for me and as my time here draws to a close i'm proud of the progress i've made. i'm getting closer to making my decision and each day i'm working to bridge the gap in my head by weighing on on those things that give me pause before i make my big leap.

NYC pre-relocation experiment, day 1

2009-07-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

i arrived at jfk this morning wishing i had been able to make myself that white russian on the plane. unfortunately jet blue was out of kahlua (they had extra tequila in its place). unfortunately there was a crying baby who wouldn't let me dose. unfortunately i was too paranoid about not being alert enough to negotiate the airtrain and the subway that i didn't take that ambien at the beginning of the flight. fortunately i was actually in quite a good mood upon my arrival thanks to this (yes, absolutely guilty--i have a secret crush on j.t.) and that.

i negotiated my way to midtown without difficulty, stumbling into my friends' apartment a bit before seven in the morning. after a nap, i was up for lunch and a look at an apartment. and this is where i need to back up some.

so about three weeks ago, a conversation with a friend and fellow writer from uci renewed my interest in moving to new york. i started doing my research, started job and apartment hunting, and began to formulate a plan. to date, my plan involves leaving my current job to live in the city for two months while i hunt for something in the publishing industry. it's so involved: this decision is wreaking havoc with my life as i know it. it's a good thing. people are coming out of the woodwork. i'm uncovering friends with similar ambitions. i'm learning more about myself as i try to tackle things. it's fantastic, and it's a double-edged sword: why did i have to wait until i felt like i was hitting bottom to spur myself into action? what i mean by that is really just this piece of critical self-evaluation: it's been one year since i graduated with my bachelor's in english, what have i got to show for it? the first answer that comes to mind is the wonderful writers group i started (how i love answering my own questions). truly that has been the cream in my coffee. but that's it and i'm not satisfied with stopping at that point. i want more. so i'm going to try for more.

inevitably, there's Fear. big, huge, mongering Fear about using up all of my resources. i'm doing everything i can to guard against that by limiting my stay in new york and also by not giving up what resources i have in california. and i really only know two people in the city right now, so the whole "making friends" or "having a social network" thing hits me as well. but we'll see. i have a lot of hope for me and about this undertaking in general.

i didn't get it

2009-05-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

i didn't get the job. funny thing though: neither did anyone else. i got a lot of great feedback so that if i do this again, i'll be an even better candidate.

now what? well, this seems to be one of the big things (and there aren't many) that make my life feel unsettled at the moment. and not that i want things to be less exciting, but i feel like i need to have more stable ground in that department before i take off and do other things with my life. frankly, it's really starting to get to me--mostly because the one year anniversary of my graduation is coming up and i find myself in exactly the same place, living by myself (a plus), paying ridiculous rent because i live in orange county (though my space is more comfortable than it was in costa mesa, a one bedroom vs. a studio being, you know, what it is. BIGGER.), and doing the same, mind-numbing work i was a an undergrad. what. the. heck.

so i need to work on my public speaking skills, which will in turn translate to better instructing skills: particularly the use of facial expressions and responding to questions on the spot. sometimes it's difficult to get access to the information in my brain quickly. how does one practice that stuff? well, i'm either going to take a speech class (scratch that...they were all full at the local junior college for the summer) or join toastmasters. so, toastmasters it will be. i'm researching different groups as i get over the flu and hopefully within three months i'll be unrecognizable. as a speaker, that is.

the other thing in all this...you know, i realize that i enjoy a number of things, and the idea of actually being in a career is intimidating. i certainly don't consider what i do now to be a career. and my fear is that, in going this direction, i will pigeonhole myself into something that i can't get out of. it scares the shit out of me. at the same time, however, this very distinct awareness pretty much guarantees that i'm always going to have pursuits outside of what i'm getting paid to do, and the least i could be doing for my own personal well-being is a career that involves a form of teaching, which being an instructor for the corporate training & development department at the back would most certainly fulfills.

so i'm two weeks past the big interview/presentation. and i'm one week past the rejection. and i think i'm gonna be okay.

what is blogging?

2009-05-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

heard this the other day and sort of fell in love with it (even though i didn't want to).

i'm going to try to do more blogging, i promise. i think i've spent too much time on facebook and twitter these days, as well as very much living with the anxiety that anything and everything that ends up on this site is going to be picked apart, over-analyzed and misunderstood. what i've decided needs to happen is that i can't continue to live in fear of this. i can no longer hold my self responsible for other people's interpretation of who i am. i will do my very best to write as truthfully as i can. but i've also given up the idea that i can comfortably blog about things deeply personal to me...a direction that i think i've tried to take with my blogging in the past. so, there you have it. i think that explanation was more for myself than anyone else, but whatever. it is what it is.

on that note, i've got a major job interview in less than two weeks for the instructor position with the bank's corporate training department. i'm excited and terrified, and my terror drives me, in a good way, to be ambitious and excited about the opportunity. i've a lot of preparation to do in the coming days and will report back on the outcome as soon as i know. i have a healthy respect for the ways in which this new position will change my life and it kind of freaks me out. in a good way.

so it's about time

2009-04-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

...time i've got a lot of, it seems. tonight i'm home, taking it easy with my kitties and listening to the sound of a tennis ball being repeatedly belted across the court near my apartment. my new-ish digs are quite fitting for me. it's quiet here. peaceful. it's home for me for the first time in probably a couple of years. other places have been more like a place to stay or a place to sleep or a place where i wait for things to change.

things are still in flux here. i'm excitedly looking for my next move within the bank, and jockeying for a position that'll put me in a better place financially as well as providing me with immense satisfaction in the work that i'm doing. i'm so much more capable than the work that i'm doing, and it's difficult to keep the momentum up at times; to do my job well, i really have to focus on being amped about it every day. and, i'm not like that every day. i'm a changing person and some days it is more difficult to do the things that earn recognition than others. some days it doesn't come naturally. still, i know that i am meant for bigger things and that in this economy i'm fortunate to have an employer who's so dependable. i want to do more that will pique my interest and that will come in due time. (though i wish it might hurry up just a little bitty bit!)

sleepless, restless, nightless

2009-02-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

what i supposed would happen once i moved into my new and solitary digs was that i'd finally be getting a decent night's rest. i've been doing things to try to improve my well-being like cutting back on sugar and caffeine, going to bed at a decent hour, seeing a chiropractor, and so on. instead, my early to beds have beget nothing but wakefulness. i sleep like i'm wading in a shallow pool--my dreams are always on the cusp of recollection and i note the time at regular intervals during the night. last night it was 1 AM, 4 AM, 6AM, alarm clock. the night before i think i woke twice. when i first moved i was going to bed between 10 and 11 and then wake once at 4 or 4:30, which was miraculous.

currently i'm pushing myself to stay awake until i can't stand it anymore, in hopes that i just might sleep all the way through the night. i stopped drinking liquids about an hour ago. i'm waiting to feed the cats their nighttime snack until my head's about to hit the pillow. and i'm so anxious about another night of unfulfilling sleep that i just might wake myself unintentionally.

my eyes hurt. and of course there are a lot of other wonderful things that accompany sleeplessness: irritability. depression. exhaustion.

it's yucky. trust me.

in other news, and what i'm hopeful for is that there are soon to be job postings for the bank's corporate training & development department. i've always wanted to be an instructor, and it complements my future professorial ambitions to a certain degree by shifting me onto a different path from the one i'm on. i've been trying to play it safe in this economy by remaining with my current employer. the downside to this has been waiting for an interesting opportunity to pop up, which hasn't happened since november when i applied for a position as an executive assistant. so, yay, i'm all over this opportunity and believe myself to be have a lot of potential in this arena. finally.

moving madness, part 2 of ?

2009-01-30T11:36:00.000-08:00

i can't say how relieved i am that the piano movers are rescheduled for tomorrow based on how things went this morning. my first set of keys didn't work...which was quickly resolved but then the place i was thinking i might place the piano didn't pan out. i'm excited about windows, but it makes it very difficult when there's a window on every potential wall i was considering. i'm a little sad about the potential for irritating the hell out of my neighbor as it will be put next to our shared wall, but i aim to be as considerate as possible, and i haven't entirely done away with the idea of putting the piano in my bedroom (i've got lots of space there).

so, i'm off to work now. we scored 100 percent on our audit and won a contest, so i'll be lunching on pizza and a girl scout thin mint blizzard from dairy queen. without a doubt these calories will be burned today!

now what?

2009-01-30T08:03:00.001-08:00

it's day one of two days of moving. the piano movers showed up at eight and i don't get my keys until the leasing office opens at nine, so the truck and its peeps have left and i'm a little less stressed because i now have ample time to measure and determine where exactly i'm putting my upright. the prospect of walking into my new apartment and telling them "yeah, put it there" just seemed a little less than preferable.

i think i'll make some tea & continue to twitter about my day. yay, twitter!

a snapshot, a photograph

2009-01-20T21:11:00.000-08:00

this move, it's worse than the last time. i take the keys to my new digs in ten days, and i am effing slow when it comes to sifting through my treasured records and memorabilia. worse than a snail.

i'm getting practice, which counts for something. each move in the past couple of years (this will be the third) is like molting: a little more of the past is shed (ie. unnecessary paperwork/outdated bank records/old birthday cards), yet i'm a little more raw and tender for the exposure.

last night i ran into enid, a fabulous woman i met at a class i took at the local junior college. i was actually pleasantly surprised (and pleased) to both be greeted with amazing warmth and to not be burdened by exchanging email addresses or phone numbers. this can be seriously awkward by and by, given the simple fact that people can and do max out on the number of friends they have. i don't feel like i'm at that point yet, but occasionally feel the pressure of the facebook friendship or running into an old friend from high school (which also happens on facebook) and not knowing what to say. which has nothing to do with not caring. believe me, i care. probably too much. which is why i get frustrated when a reconnection seems to flop.

you see: tender, sensitive...it makes it hard to sleep at night, and last night i faced yet another round of restlessness that pushed my brain to churning it up in the wee hours. it's the kind of insomnia where i'm not fully cognizant of my lack of sleep: i'm working so hard in my sleep that i no longer discern dreaming from intensive contemplation. i'm working out problems in my head and i wake up knowing that i haven't gotten ANY quality shut-eye. it's getting to the point where i am considering medical help, but am still trying to tackle the problem in other ways before i medicate. i'm hoping that post-move will find me on better terms with sleep. but for tonight, my strategy is an early dinner, a pre-bed shower, a book and snoozing on the other side of the bed. we'll see.

there are so many boxes. there are so many memories. there are so many things that i never went through when i picked up the last of my belongings from the house. then are things that i had forgotten about: rings and photographs that twisted my face up in grief like i was looking at the dead. mostly the photographs. and thinking about them burns my eyes. i don't know what to say to you, Grief. i don't know what to be sad about except the illusion that's in the picture, a still moment in time that doesn't capture the struggle that i imagine everyone feels at some point in a relationship.

it's taken me this much time to cry over It.

moving madness

2009-01-17T15:00:00.000-08:00

i'm trying to find ways of keeping my sanity as i tackle packing up my belongings for the second time in seven months. one such thing was this gem--a little blurb i had written down about a former job i had. they had their "own" radio station, which cycled through the same songs in the same order day after day. at various intervals, a voice would interject (like disc jockey) and say things like:

"I can't think of a bad company to work for--this certainly isn't one."

and

"It's our way of saying thanks to the hard-working men and women of (said company)."

pshaw! as if!

bienvenue, 2009

2009-01-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

i totally stumble each time i try to find something to blog about lately. last month was jam-packed with complications. some of them are wrapped up right now. some of them are still works in progress. and then there's just Life.

i keep thinking that time will make things better. this works somewhat, but the improvement is really a conglomeration of so many other factors. and while i do feel as though a new year is a neat and convenient way of book-ending the difficulties, what i kept thinking yesterday while i was at work was how each day is a new day that affords me the same opportunity. i could continue to break that down into smaller chunks of time, but the deal really is my understanding of memory and how i tend to go over and over things. it is what enslaves me to feeling regret about things. it's not to say that there isn't a benefit to that level of awareness in myself: it will beget growth in one form or another, big steps forward or small ones; i don't want to be so stuck in my life that i cease making progress and that's where i've been lately.

here's to striving and progressing in the new year.

can't get it outta my head

2008-12-18T23:25:00.000-08:00

what, you ask? what can't you get out of your head?

everything.

my gig lately has consisted of complaining and letting the things that confound or trouble me do so for a longer than healthy period of time. at first it became funny to update my facebook status or twitter about those things: my neighbor, the lady in the laundry room who took my clothes out of the dryer before the cycle had finished (caught her in the act! she was starting her load of clothes out on the last few minutes i paid for! and, oh yeah, i don't think i actually squeezed that one into my updates!), or today's news that i didn't get the job. not that i expected to, mind you, but it was totally depressing news. and i had to share it with you.

so i'm taking a hiatus from updating you on the day-to-day. my hope is that by taking my focus off the minutia i may actually get some peace and reduce my fixation with the details, particularly the negative ones.

my hope is also that i'll start writing more, either blogging or working on my fiction, rather than bombarding you with chitter-chatter. until next time, happiest to you and yours, this christmas & into the new year.

take a moment n write

2008-12-10T22:56:00.000-08:00

what is it about the quiet of the late night that harkens me to write at the...oh, yeah, that would be the hot cuppa joe at four in the afternoon today. coupled with last night's restless sleep, i'm sure tomorrow i'll be all shades of sleepy. awesome, no?

the holidays are strange again this year, and i'm in the mood for limited celebrations. there are a number of things contributing to this, including last weekend's car fiasco which promptly ate up my savings and my saturday. i sound like i'm complaining...and of course it's hard. i know that my struggles are not unusual, but that still does not stifle the fact that they are personal, they are mine, and thereby more deeply felt than what's going on outside of me (and i am one to empathize with others).

today i interviewed with the bank for an executive assistant position. i've no idea where things go from here, no clue how they felt about me. i think this may be a good thing as the last time(s) i felt good about interviewing, i didn't get hired by those folks who received me so amicably. it would be an incredible opportunity, good for both my personal and professional growth.

with that, i think i'm ready to sleep now.

thanksgiving eve

2008-11-26T19:25:00.000-08:00

it's an interesting day. mortality is definitely on the mind what with the recent passing of a friend's mom. i attended my second funeral in roughly two months this morning, and it makes me thoughtful about my life and how i'm living it. en route this morning i thought back to the last time i was hit back-to-back with loss: a friend from school died in a car accident just days before my grandfather passed away.

yet, with all the services i've been to, i can't say that i've really lost anyone whom i was close to save my great aunt. my grandmother on my mom's side died when i was three, so i became much closer to my great aunt than any of my extended family. part of that is due to proximity--she lived in montebello and my mom was dedicated to regular visits. other family lives out of state, so the opportunity for closeness faded as time wore on, especially post high school. i believe this happens in part because i use my parents as a buffer...relating to someone i'm 2 generations apart from is difficult sometimes, and though there's some guilt on my part on how little i keep in touch with my one remaining grandmother, what do you say to a woman who was married for over 50 years to her first husband, a man she barely knew at their nuptials. i'm divorced, so, yeah, look at me now grandma--aren't you glad i've got a college education? yeah....

so, while i sat toward the back of the chapel at o'connor mortuary, i noticed my awkwardness. there were lots of how are you?s followed by strange silences, indicators of discomfort on both sides of the conversation. i mean, seriously, is this the part where i'm supposed to detail my thanksgiving day plans? and then there was the pinnacle of awkwardness: i forget...what is your husband's name? i responded with an i'm divorced. sweet, way to kill the conversation right then and there.

thanksgiving's always tough for me. more difficult than christmas. i'm not sure, but i think just the way things were for me as a child, i expect more from the day. more excitement, more anticipation, more familial integration. thankfully my sister and her family are around. even then, there's an idealism that always hits a wall--what is around me falls miserably short of where i've been, those thanksgivings past. so maybe i do need to move away for a bit: portland or seattle or boston or new york...or somewhere else that jet blue will fly me to for a nominal fee. because with all that i've got around me, tonight is the night i feel loneliest out of all the nights of the year. tonight is the easiest to leave and tell myself that i won't be missing anything about where i live and the people who live near me. which is exactly why i won't let myself make that decision tonight.

tomorrow will be...easier.

Last week of November

2008-11-23T21:56:00.000-08:00

My days have been consistent. And by consistent I mean void of excitement. And by void of excitement I mean good gravy give me something to do in my nine-to-five before my head explodes! Now that I've been out of school for five months, I'm itching for a challenge to keep my mind sharp and a salary that'll put me in a healthy position to once more have my own digs. I miss being a solitary girl, and it's not that my roommate's presence isn't a rare occurrence these days--my privacy isn't a concern--but I want all the stuff to be my stuff. And I feel like I should be old enough to have this. So, I've been combing various job sites for positions and have applied for three in addition to the one Executive Assistant position within company I'm currently at.

And, that's all I've got. I've been at this for two long today and I'm tapped.

no no, nanowrimo?

2008-11-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

as much as my intentions weigh in on the plus side of things, my word count is way down from where it should be (if i am to follow the model that says divide 50,000 words over 30 days and that's how one stays on track). i blame the strep throat, i blame the election, i blame life--and i would not trade one second of all that. okay, maybe that week-long escapade with the strep during which, had i felt better, i might have come up with a more promising plot line.

so, here i am, trying to delve in again. it's barely 9:30 and i'm chilly and hankering for bed. just as in my days of undergraduate study, i can't bear putting off my zzz's for a bit of production. at the time i was writing for classes--taxing and trying papers that required critical thinking and a strong sense of arugument.

what on earth is to become of my novel? well, as a procrastinator, i couldn't tell you exactly. i hope for good things, but i'm heading off to sleep now. on the plus side, i've already showered and will most likely wake up at six, just in time to do some early morning noveling at the "it's a grind" that is seconds from my work.

we'll be in touch...

novelling distractions continued

2008-11-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

so, i think i'll try to just post something entertaining everyday during NaNoWriMo. here's another:

Awfully Fun Novelling Distractions

2008-11-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

Rock Me, Liam!

Addendum:

Also enjoyable: spotting confounding phrases. Take this one, for example, which was seen this afternoon as I took care of some online banking business:

Delivery time: Takes 3 business days
This transfer will occur at 5 pm, 9 pm or 10 pm on the Date to Send, whichever comes first.

Really?!? Who's with me on this one? When would 10 pm ever come before 5 pm?

farewell, october skies

2008-10-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

on this eve to a month of noveling, i find myself recovering from a week of sick (probably strep, according to the doctor), which was preceded by a week of fun and relaxation in austin. i love vacations, and this one was particularly therapeutic. however, in light of all of this, i can't even begin to list what's been on my mind as i sift through various things that will impact my future. the biggie is graduate school.

while i've fought to avail myself to a variety of opportunities, i have to realize that my planning is somewhat short-sighted. one of the colleges i'm looking at has a january 2 deadline, which is pretty much impossible considering that i should've taken the gre, like, yesterday in order for them to get the scores on time. in addition, 15-20 pages of fiction? um, yeah. i don't have anything i'm ready to stand behind. yet.

plans

2008-10-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

i was emailed a special offer to fly to sydney for $881 round trip.

i want to go to sydney. new york. austin. seattle. portland. london. wellington.

i went to new york. i'm going to austin.

i am moving. in a year. in more than a year. in less than a year.

i am not moving. i value my friends too dearly. i'm terrified of scooting myself and my belongings beyond the radius of the southern california i know and love.

monty is quietly wheezing on the sofa behind me and numb3rs is humming in the background while i try to sort things out via words. there is too much to consider these days what with my burgeoning plans to take the gre and go to grad school. the biggest question is Where?, immediately followed by How? and promptly overcome by a seasoning of doubts and anxieties which seem to overwhelm my desire to adventure outside of my comfort zone.

i'm not sure what's next. right now it's just me, the cats, and an upright piano. of course journals and books, too.

i'll keep you posted.

waking up

2008-09-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

i'm not supposed to be here this morning. i'm not supposed to be at my computer blogging and surfing. i'm supposed to be at a the american heart association's heart walk at exposition park in los angeles. however, waking up at the wee hours (6am) revealed a stuffy nose and, knowing myself, i decided not to push the envelope. the safe route will, i hope, reduce the length and severity of the cold. plus, the aha still get their monies. still, team members from our office have dropped like flies for various reasons and, as this morning, only 1 of the original 4 was going to make it. i hope he went.

party on wayne, party on garth

2008-09-19T20:00:00.001-07:00

Subway Rocker, originally uploaded by furiousmuse.

vacation was great, and as always it's good to be home. nyc has to be the best place to get lost in thought, and i'm proud of myself for not spending my days trolling the streets with my iPod as i can easily let music guide my cognitive meanderings. my roomie kept pressing me this morning for "what i did" and i found myself summing it up with an embarrassing "not much." i'm not actually embarrassed about this, of course, but i didn't know how else to respond when it involved so much reflection on where i'm at and where i'm headed and where i've been.

the video above is also good summary of my time there, as i spent just as much time "enjoy[ing] the silence" of my own voice as i walked the avenues as i did actually rocking out (internally, that is).

a bowl of cherries

2008-08-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

i ate a lot today. a lot of cherries. and now i'm online researching various graduate programs ranging from the local state/private institutions to the out-of-state low residency programs that can land me an M.A. in English and an M.F.A. in Creative Writing. and mostly my conclusions have been thank god, it looks like i don't have to take the GRE. i hope i'm not missing something here.... and great goblets of fire, i have got to get my "writer on."

see, i've considered waiting around a year before i apply to any programs, but initial findings indicate need of a 20-30 page sampling of my work. that, coupled with the fact that i'm workshopping a piece in less than a week and a half pushes me into ohshit! mode. so i come here, beckoning the words and drawing inspiration from the world around me in hopes of getting the juices flowing. at the very least it's a start. my roomie is out for the evening, so it'll be quiet in ye olde apartment. perfect for some writering. hopefully i can do more than blog.

apart from this, life is just work and friends at the moment. funny thing about work though. the path i carve each morning from home to the office traces a path through my life, brushing up against recent and not-so-recent memories. perhaps it is the single problem with living in a limited radius for my entire life. in six miles i go from elementary through high school; the path itself is non chronological. i pass the streets that lead to various homes/apartments i've lived in for probably 90% of my life. i can nod my head at former places of employment. and sometimes i'll see ghosts from my past where i work: teachers, mothers of classmates, bosses and bosses' children, an aging instructor from the studio where i took dance lessons when i was 4 or 5. they bump up against me, always reminding me of what i've done, where i've been, and prodding me onward, to the unknown.

i don't think i've ever felt possibility this strongly. nor the responsibility it's demanding. all i can say is, i'm trying; i'm okay with that.

writerly endeavors

2008-07-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

i should be getting ready for work right now, but there are twenty minutes between me and my departure, so i'm taking a minute for an update.

things aren't exactly slowing down. post-move, i've had my other pterygium operated on and started a writers group. we've met twice so far, and last night was great. i'm excited about the potential as it's a blend of poets and fictioners, so the varied perspective and input should be quite constructive. or, at least, it works out that way in my head.

argh! the day is calling...

the power of love

2008-07-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

ummm, yeah. there's nothing i like better than to be serenaded by celine dion on my way to the laundry room. there's some guy in the carport right now with his premium sound crankin' out love ballads by that queen of adult contemporary and it took everything in me not to look over, burst out laughing, and hug him. "thank you!" i would have said, "thank you for giving me something worth writing about! i haven't blogged in WEEKS!" and i'm sure that would've gone over nicely, but at the very least, here i am. and, well, here you are, dear reader. ah! together again!

the move went sportingly. i love my new digs and the roomie's a total sweetheart. she and i christened the place on wednesday with a dinner for two--though to be fair she's done the bulk of the cooking and entertaining to date. i'm still adjusting and settling in here, but it's a welcome change and i'm happy about my new home. the cats seem to like it as well: i've got to think there's something remarkable about us all not being in one room together (this place nearly doubles their living space).

i still haven't figured out how i'm doing with the whole graduation thing--i've been too busy to let it sink deep down all nice and proper-like on my brain. i anticipate this happening sometime during my 5 days off from work while i have my other eye done, completing the pterygium surgery that began in march. lots of rest and not much to do has that sort of affect on me, allowing me to digest what's been going on in my life. i look forward to it.

commencement

2008-06-18T15:12:00.001-07:00

the graduate, originally uploaded by furiousmuse.

i love this photo that my dad took as i was walking back down the aisle after shaking hands for my graduation photo op. the motion in it is awesome...i have no clue (and neither does he) how he got this shot.
the photo set is here, and eventually i'll get around to writing more, but life hasn't quite slowed down enough for me to digest it all

really, really, ridiculously upsetting

2008-06-11T00:21:00.000-07:00

i came home tonight and was surprised to find the kitchen light on. though i didn't think that i'd left it on, i was willing to overlook the fact that i know i never turn the kitchen light on in the mornings. ever. unless it's dark outside. like when the day's daylight hours are shorter in winter. i turned off the harsh florescence and opted for something more subtle. then, in the half-light, as i peeled open a cat of cat food, i bumped into IT: an unfamiliar bottle of something called pan treatment. from what i can deduct, there must have been some sort of plumbing issue/complaint. but i froze up, because at the moment i saw that bottle, i realized that someone had been in my apartment without my permission. had they covered their tracks, i wouldn't be the wiser. or, had they left a note of explanation, i could have taken consolation in that. but, with neither at my fingertips at midnight, all i can do is fume and leave a very succinct message for the management expressing my unsettled reaction to this little "happening." their lack of consideration demands an apology.

i am in such shock. there was no attempt to contact me, no voicemail... i think i'd simply like to be more assured that this apartment is my home and that no one will be in here unless i allow them to be here.

there, i'm a broken record. enough already.

an upside here: my dad comes into town tomorrow! and, i've only got two more finals to go. hooray!

because i told you so

2008-06-07T23:13:00.000-07:00

i'm drawing my inspiration to write tonight from pandora, and tonight she decided to throw some jonatha brooke at me, hence the title of this post. i've decided that tonight would be the last post pre-graduation. everything is so momentous, a culmination of things that have their place in my life because i drew them to me. some deliberately, others not. but the hours turn into days and suddenly a year's gone by since and i'm here now, a cat at each elbow, stuck on the amazing process of their breathing. moxie has his back to me, and his thin frame, covered in soft gray, expands and contracts so sweetly. mango has found his favorite pillow on my bed and cozied up to it, leaning in and letting the weight of sleep close his green-yellow eyes while his long orange fur rises and falls with each breath. monty is at my back, on the sofa, concaving a cushion with his beastly 20 pounds. this is the peace that i find late at night, these furry beings pushing me, pulling me, in my persistence to continue. they are amazing, comforting, gentle, fierce, and possess amazing appetites.

my alarm woke me this morning from an odd dream. i was late for graduation, except that my friends amy and teri were also graduating. teri decided she didn't want to walk in the ceremony. amy, on the other hand, couldn't get in to line up with me because she didn't have her tax return as proof of id. that's one messed up dream, i tell you.

there was another dream, too. it involved my parent's old house in a strange conglomeration of other places i've lived. there was thunder and lightening and bad, depressed feelings. it took me a while to get back to sleep after that one. and though i know where some of the dream's anxiety stems from, i was still puzzled by the goings on within the dream itself more than what it made me feel like.

but does that sort of thing really even matter? none of it was real.

mango is bathing himself now. his dark, pink tongue laboring over the long fur as he twists and manipulates his joints to reach the difficult places along his back.

the real stuff is the hardest to explain, understand, digest.

moxie is curled up now on the freshly laundered lining--a wool sweater i accidentally washed and thereby shrunk to fit a toddler--of the cat bed that sits at the foot of my bed. there is one sliver of his green eye peeking at me from a barely open eyelid. it rolls around and closes, and i take my cue...

day of...rest?

2008-05-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

it's my day off. that's only the second time i've been able to say that in two months, and the other time was last weekend. it's been productive thus far. i've watched two movies for my "golden age of hollywood" class (our daily bread and boys town) and done my homework for that class. i've also vacuumed and dusted most of the apartment. i'm getting ready to send out the graduation announcements, and am putting the finishing touches on them as i slowly sweat and melt in my un-air conditioned apartment. oh, i've got a cooling system, but it sounds like a jet plane is cruising in my living room (and kitchen and bedroom...the entire studio, really) so i'll give that up for some perspiration and some quiet. the cats are all conked out in various locales, though moxie just woke up for a drink--sip--of water.

i'm supposed to be sending off a story to the undergraduate journal, new forum, and the deadline is midnight tonight. i told myself that i would, and perhaps i just need to bite the bullet and do it already, but i've had such a tough time getting out of my own skin lately to write something i feel worthy of submitting that i find my drive to contribute waning. all the same, it would be wonderful to be published. i have a feeling that the next hour will find me pulling my head out of my ass and high-tailing it to some airy spot so i can write. if i don't, i'll kick myself for letting this final opportunity of my undergraduate career pass me by. and that just wouldn't be right. i'll keep you posted on the results.

only tuesday

2008-05-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

i'm beginning to feel the weight of the final quarter of school on my back like a precariously balanced waterfall sculpture of champagne glasses. if i can just hold my stance long enough, it'll pass and i won't break anything along the way and everyone will get what they need from me in terms of papers and midterms and finals. do i really finish up my last final a month from today? and graduate a month from tomorrow? (insert expressive expletives)

Elbow @ the Avalon

2008-05-11T13:12:00.001-07:00

Elbow @ the Avalon, originally uploaded by furiousmuse.

it still floors me that there are people who don't bow down and worship at the house of elbow--these guys (Guy Garvey, Craig Potter, Mark Potter, Pete Turner and Richard Jupp) are a remarkable five-pack of musical genius. in particular, front man guy has a voice like a velvet scarf--the kind you want to wrap around your shoulders and rub against your bare skin because it just feels that good to listen to him sing. their music is underdiscovered, like iceland's leaves or norway's magnet. the only consolation here is that i get to see them at an amazing venue like the avalon, where i can ogle the band from 25 feet away (or less) and let their music diffuse through my pores via osmosis. it's quite a difference to be this intimate with a group--comparatively, i will be ogling radiohead from somewhere in the shadows of the hollywood bowl, and i will definitely not be able to see thom yorke's facial expressions unless i'm packing binoculars, and my cell phone will be useless for photographing. all that to say that their performance was spectacular and that it make sad to know it'll be another couple of years until i see them again.

number four

2008-05-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

i'm starting at my fourth branch of the bank on monday and it's all fairly bittersweet because i feel like i was just starting to "get my groove on" if you will. now, all my hard work gets tucked into the background, safe for later: my switch-a-roo is a down shift from where i'm currently at right now. certainly in terms of stress this is going to be hugely beneficial as i enter the final five weeks of school plus one week of finals. but in the long run, i'm not really certain where this places me and i've a hard enough time planning for my upcoming relocation (the lease is nearly through) without worrying about how my life's going to be post-university. it may as well be post-mortem, it seems so foreign to me. that is the case with most of my life these days because i do things differently than what i've previously been accustomed to.

one such example was that i went to a poetry reading last night at uci. alan shapiro read some of his work and it was amazing. seriously, it is some of the most amazing stuff i've ever heard lately. he read from his most recent publications (primarily old war: poems). the stuff was hugely visceral or touching or real or funny. it makes me want to be a better writer to hear great things. i couldn't find anything online that he read last night, but check out "just" for a sampling of what he's like. it's a good sample, but he has a dynamic range which moved me in all different directions.

where for, what for?

2008-04-28T21:50:00.001-07:00

i have an interview tomorrow. it should be a slam-dunk given that i know who i'm interviewing with (a longtime acquaintance), but my nerves are what they are based on the fact that there's been plenty of hullabaloo in my daily grind. things happened unexpectedly, with regard to these current dealings at work that led to a sort of necessary transfer to another office.

what's most challenging for me is that, in agreeing to transfer, i expected things to be cleanly and neatly laid out for me. now, a complication, a wrench in the plans, and suddenly i'm stumbling and fumbling, not 100% sure of my next step. i think i'm setting myself up well enough, but there is so much to consider. you see: rock, hard place, and myself are very well acquainted these days.

word pictures

2008-04-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

if you like the new banner, check out spell with flickr and have some fun!

a view of irvine

2008-04-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

i'm in my office on the third floor overlooking uci's ring road. i can see starbucks and the bookstore and a yellow samurai costume peaking at me from one of the windows of the cultural center. i'm listening to pandora, and it's feeding me some delicious thievery corporation grooves. i've just had my first samplings of matzo ball soup in celebration of passover thanks to one of my coworkers.

i'm trying to hold to this feeling of lightness that comes from being surrounded by friends here at my job. or perhaps its actually a slowness that comes from not sleeping well for two nights in a row. lately i've been waking up and unable to return to my slumbers for what i can best perceive as close to an hour. my mind slips and tumbles over the details of my life and various goings ons without allowing me to reach a peace and return to my rest until it has exhausted herself. in the morning, i snooze for about 45 minutes, putting me grossly behind schedule.

no days off for the foreseeable future. not until sometime after may 9th. until then, i snatch hours and minutes. even now, even now, it's a dozen minutes until class and all i can grab is some music (gotan project now) and the lovely banter of my coworkers in the background. time is in such short supply....

i think i'm turning vegetarian...

2008-04-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

...except for this insatiable problem: cream of chicken soup. you see, i just cooked myself a rice casserole dish with crimini and portabella mushrooms, and zucchini, and onions...and cream of chicken soup. yep, for some reason i just can't give that up as the miracle casserole base. i mean, honestly, would cream of asparagus really do the trick?

anyhow, things are just chugging along here. week three is approaching on monday and i'm shocked at how rapidly the days pass in retrospect (they always feel lengthy when i'm in the midst of 'em). so, i'm off to my saturday night then: experimental-quasi-veggie casserole and a bad movie. i have no idea how the nanny diaries made it to my netflix queue, but that's what i got in the mail today...

steady as she goes

2008-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

uhmmm-mmm, i like me some ~~white stripes~~ ranconteurs. on the other hand, it could just be a shtick by which i get into "penning" this post in the pre-work hours of a sunday morning.

i've just finished hard-boiling some eggs that i've had for a while and decided, post-prep, to see if they would be good--the sell-by date was february! so, i turned for a moment to the phone, contemplated waking my mom up to ask her, and then i turned to the internets. well, lo & behold googling "how long are eggs good for?" brought me to WikiAnswers and i was once again thankful that my insignificant query could be answered by the mutual curiosity of some anonymous stranger.

i'm in my final quarter at school. yesterday at work, this happened:

customer: what are you studying in school?
me: english
he: oh? what emphasis?
me: creative writing... (nervous, uncomfortable laughter)
he (calling me out, in all seriousness): why do you laugh?
me (weakly): uh, i don't know.
(if asked now, i'd say 'because i don't feel like the profession is taken seriously.' also a weak answer. maybe i need to take myself more seriously...)
he: have you considered going to law school? we need more writers with heart.

and so i thank that local democrat running for congress for giving me something to think about...in addition to the lovely conversation that followed about passive voice and which versus that, and the ensuing elimination of both from one's vocabulary. i am impressed!

stumbled upon & is mostly fitting

2008-03-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

you are blueviolet
#8A2BE2

Your dominant hues are blue and magenta. You're the one who goes to all the parties but doesn't quite fit in at every one... you know what you want, but are afraid of what the world might think of it. You're a little different and that's okay with them, and if you're smart it's okay with you too.

Your saturation level is higher than average - You know what you want, but sometimes know not to tell everyone. You value accomplishments and know you can get the job done, so don't be afraid to run out and make things happen.

Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

baker's dozen

2008-03-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

(with nods here and here, as the following list stands to make up for lost time/stay the hungry reader for the coming weeks. you may want to pick up some take-out...)

one
i'm getting initiated as a gamma phi beta next friday (i'm joining as an alumna)! can't say that i ever expected myself to do such a thing, but i've certainly been curious for as long as teri's been one. now she and amy and i will be "sisters" though, and it feels fairly monumental for me as they've been such an integral part of my life.

two
a tidbit from my sister: they had reading night at my nephew's school out in the murrieta area. they were giving away a prize for the student who read the most books. that prize?
a dvd player.
God help our public schools.

three
this was totally overlooked except when i went back to (barely) edit myself. so, here's number three: i totally want to see the new michel gondry film, be kind, rewind, but i can't resolve the fact that i've got a paper and many other things due on the coming friday. which means my lack of sanity will most likely move me to see it sooner than later.

four
my dad is coming to my graduation! huzzah! graduation day is going to be here before i know it. unfortunately circumstances prevent both parents from joining me at commencement, but there will be a camcorder.

five
on wednesday i wandered into the orange county inkhouse off of el toro in the middle of rush hour traffic. several minutes later i emerged, slightly poorer and a little more whole-y. it wasn't too painful--i'd compare it to having my arms/legs waxed, but it's a different kind of pain.

six
i'm hooked on panera right now. super yummy pasteries. yesterday i got some soup and they served it with a warm, crunchy french roll. stupendous!

seven
the girl scouts are out and about: look out! it's cookie season. i've got my box of thin mints. and i'm happy to say that the serving size is four cookies. yesterday i ate five.

eight
i went to the gym twice this weekend (having been absent for many weeks) and i'm totally in love with it. the music, the sensation of breathing in and out (panting?) while running, the feel of my limbs in a unified motion. i hope this is habit-forming.

nine
cooking for one has been difficult lately. i'm harboring week-old lasagna in my fridge and my freezer coats everything with a layer of ice before i get a chance to eat it. i must remind myself to share with my workfellows as to avoid feeling wasteful. or, yet... here, kitty kitty kitty...

ten
when my graduation announcements came, i learned that i had to fold & assemble them myself. what. the. heck. how much did i pay you people? [...] i still haven't opened the box that contains my diploma frame. i mean, seriously, i shook it--there wasn't any broken glass--so what's the hurry in opening it? (to insure i got the right thing? oh, yeah. point taken.)

eleven
this week, on my way to the vegan restaurant at "the camp" in costa mesa, noted that aire had closed down. i was saddened at this: they had a special thing going there and some pretty spectacular kobe beef sliders. i will never taste a meat more tender... *sigh*

twelve
it's my dad's birthday today. a shout out to him: happy birthday, dad!

thirteen
it's the ninth week of school. i am in the ninth circle of hell. there will be no further updates until spring break (unless, well, hell freezes over and gives me some reprieve and some news).

fast or slow?

2008-02-26T08:10:00.000-08:00

at a time in my life where days seem to inch by, this morning's class registration for my final quarter at UCI was punctual and abbreviated. in less than 30 seconds after logging in promptly at 8am, i'd copied and pasted my course number codes into the school's online registration website and *poof*, my spring quarter had been created. it was all rather anticlimactic.

happenings...four

2008-02-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

inadvertently left of the list is the fact that I finally got published. a bit preemptive--my name won't be in print until monday--but i compiled an advertising feature for the student newspaper on one of the local businesses and am pleased to see that everything turned out okay. i struggled for about three hours over 300 words, and in the end...i felt pretty good about it all. practice makes for improvement, and i'll take all that i can.

happenings three

2008-02-15T08:10:00.000-08:00

1. today, armed with a wiki article "on how to change a headlight bulb on a 2003 jetta," i will attempt to do just that. i've been the epitome of a wallflower's tune for about two weeks now and i'm ready to be over that trend. besides, it's friday--why start a weekend under prepared?

2. i still have a seven-page paper hanging over my head, but at least i got a decent night's sleep last night. my prof was generous enough to extend it to wednesday. the extension came at the last minute, but so was my paper-writing.

3. i'm getting pterygium surgery next month. i've had these things for years now and the procedure's been deemed "medically necessary." the opthamologist was less than gentle with me during the exam i had on wednesday; testing my tear ducts, he placed these tabs in my eyelids which burned like the dickens and made me cry like a little girl. of course they were supposed to stay in, eyes closed, for about 5 minutes, during which he promptly left the room (?). as my cheeks became riverbeds, i called out "'SCUSE ME?! Can I have some kleenex?" When someone came in, i was given an entire box and the doctor returned to remove the tabs. apparently he'd never seen someone start crying over this test (i...passed?). my response: if this was a form of military torture, i'd have given up all my secrets by now. see, beyond the physical sensation, it seemed to trigger an emotional response from me as well, and i actually began to feel sad. perhaps because i was already crying? who knows...

the surgery will happen on my spring break as it's the most convenient time. i nearly spurred my mom on a plane to come care for me (i won't be able to drive) but i lucked out when teri told me she'd be off that week from teaching (it's a drag to try & book a flight on spring break). and teri said she'd have taken the time off for me if she wasn't. i are so lucky to have such a friend, and there are more where she came from: my sister was also willing to drive an hour and a half from her house, with my niece who is allergic to cats [not highly, but enough] and take care of me as well.

at any rate, that's all for now. what's up with you, reader?

one day more

2008-02-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

another day another destiny. (/les miserables karaoke moment)

midterm number two tomorrow. it's just past the halfway point in the quarter for me and so i'm here tonight sort of spinning my wheels because i'm not tired, but i think my brain's being eaten alive by literature and a backlog of emotions about life in its current state of fuzziness and uncertainty. i'm fairly used to embracing it by now, but it still strikes me hard at odd moments. a few days post-birthday i found myself in my therapist's office hashing through my history in an effort to purge/make peace with/understand various ghosts from my mind and move forward. and blogging is difficult these days as i'm perpetually conscious of my readers (past, present, future). what does a girl say when she's nearly divorced, knowing that family and friends have this address stored in their heads, or bookmarked in their browser? my only conclusion: perhaps it's time to relocate my blog to a new address, because i don't know that it's helpful for them to know what my life is like now. then again, is it really up to me to play the censorship card? is it right of me?

i hate the spaces between my words which offer room for misinterpretation. it is the dread pirate roberts for me: creatively i fight explicit explanation when it comes to emotional issues, of which this is the most extreme.

sometimes i just don't know.

things i never imagined...

2008-02-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

i'm goin' greek! yep, following in the shoes of anteater graduate and longtime friend teri, and other longtime friend amy, i've been moved to pledge gamma phi beta as an alumna. teri brought it up over dinner on my birthday and basically told me that there was only one acceptable answer. i love her for that. and, i'm truly excited about it.

graduation is only 5 months away. i've ordered invitations, cap & gown, and joined the alumni association. twice. that was accidental, and a little poorly planned if i may say so for the grad expo. you see, when reserving a cap & gown, there was an option to join the alumni association and get a discount. additionally, one could purchase a "grad pack," which included invitations, thank yous, a frame for your diploma, etc. oh, and a membership to the alumni association. so, i now have 2 years paid in advance. i are awesome.

4am fire

2008-01-30T03:41:00.000-08:00

i don't have nerves of steel. the fire alarm just went off in our building and i'm recovering from the whole being "woken up in the middle of the night to the sounds of an emergency" thing. it's jarring; the adrenaline hasn't yet subsided. nor has the question of how i'd successfully smuggle three cats out of the apartment by myself. i think i'll go get me one of those duffel bags i can sling over my shoulder. that and some serious arm muscles because the combined balance of all my cats is 38 pounds!

i am thankful that i live across the street from the fire department. my nerves are beginning to slide back into place. and, i'm planning to get a safe deposit box at the bank this weekend: i definitely don't want the hassle of replacing my car title, passport, etc., when i can do something to prevent that. paranoia? perhaps. but, this is the second time the alarm has gone off since i moved here.

the first time was particularly amusing, let me tell you. i was completely disoriented (the fire truck is departing now...guess we're not burning the building down tonight after all--woohoo!). at that time, i thought that i had done something wrong--mind you, i'd been fast asleep--and was trying to get the noise to stop. after identifying the source of the noise, i both unplugged the TV (?!) and waved a towel in front of the buzzer (like you do if you've set off a smoke detector and want it to stop buzzing). well, though my logic was incorrect, the act of waving the towel was immediately followed by...silence! i thought i'd done something! and, between you and me, i (uh hum) tried it again tonight. you know, just in case i did have something to do with it. no such luck, of course.

amazingly, my obnoxious upstairs neighbor hasn't stirred. so, i think i'll try to go back to my bed now.

rain, rain, go away (sort of)

2008-01-27T19:05:00.000-08:00

so much rain in so cal! i haven't washed my car since, well, last year. it hadn't really gotten dirty, but because it's been raining off and on for a couple of weeks i haven't really bothered with it.

after much thoughtful consideration, i've decided to stay my decision to move cross-country. i'd been over it again and again for a number of weeks and, in the end, determined that coupling a drastic change of scenery immediately post-graduation while looking for full-time employment and new digs (i won't be renewing my lease here) was actually a bit more than i could stomach. not to mention that monty's actually asthmatic (the recent weather's been yielding a number of episodes) so regular exposure to cool, damp air is far from advantageous for the old beast. stupid drafty apartment. the big guy also managed to pull his toenail somehow and bleed a bit on my carpet this afternoon, so he's been feeling a bit down. he's currently napping on the bed next to mango (atop a pair of khakis--i hope he's not bleeding anymore!) and hopefully the rest does some good. as far as i can tell he's going to be okay, but i'll have to keep an eye on it to prevent infection.

there's nothing on tv, and at 7:30 i find myself jonesing for sleep or amusement. i'll have to settle for schoolwork, which is where i find it necessary to focus my attention presently. well, maybe just one more phone call...

enter week three

2008-01-20T19:03:00.000-08:00

how lightly the days trip by, melting into weeks and finding me longing for...spring break? i mean, seriously, i know it'll be done before i know it. it's a painful process, the birth and death of a quarter in the abbreviated ten-week period. i've got room to breathe now but it's a sort of illusion, really, because i should be doing this, that, or the other. it's always a matter of "i can do that later" when really, well, i shouldn't think that way. but, you can have your shoulds 'til the cows come home--i'm through with 'em. at least to the extent that i feel that they are not my own. i say this because, well, in my head i'm thinking that, "i should go see a movie right now." and, don't you know, that's the kind of should i can abide by. the other one is, "gee, it's cold outside. maybe i'll just stay in." this could prove problematic if i move to a colder climate post-graduation. such things are only in their embryonic state though, so no announcements are to be had here at the 'muse. still, there are these thoughts...

week one, winter quarter

2008-01-11T22:49:00.000-08:00

moxie perches on my lap and i'm contemplating today's entry like it's going out of style. "say something good. say something...meaningful." but is that possible given my upstairs apartment-mate has his tv up too loud again? i won't complain about that though, because anything beats having an idiotic bass line drilled into your skull. there's this one song i can tell is a favorite because i've heard it repeatedly in the past 3-4 months. i'd like to think it's only played when i'm home, or that he only owns about 5 cd's, and so it's just that kind of chance that earns me the privilege of sharing in the listening experience with him. but i sort of just think he's an inconsiderate tool. and i keep saying "he" because of how loudly the floorboards creak when he walks around--i just can't imagine a woman being that heavy-footed.

school's been fabulous thus far. my two classes definitely feel like 3.5, so i'm relieved that i stuck with two. it's all i can handle with my two jobs to boot. i'd go into more detail, but i've kind of maxed out on analyzing things: it's friday, i've just eaten a huge meal (hooray for crockpots), drunk a bit of the two-buck-chuck (hey, i was cooking with it, eh?), toaster-ovened some cookies, and finished watching eagle vs. shark (4 out of 5: highly enjoyable). cheers to your weekend....

happy new year spam

2008-01-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

i look around me for indications of the new year. what can i expect? what will happen? and then, i get an email that informs me, "oh my godness [sic].. yourPenis is BELOW average size" and it becomes achingly clear to me: this year i must remember to laugh (and hope that google will reinforce its spam filter). because there is not much to be done about various circumstances that life presses upon me in my final months of school and with the responsibilities i've earned at work, i believe life will more than challenged my sanity. with relief i can tell you that some things are settling down. but some things remain and often unsettle my daily operations, my mood, my sense of who i am.
may you find things to laugh about in 2008, regardless of your circumstances.

closing time

2007-12-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

the year is wrapping up for me, as are other things. life is changing before my eyes and i have a hard time seeing the future. i've never claimed a talent for foresight, mind you, but i understood my life differently once. as such, i envisioned a particular path and future that no longer lies before me.

it's nearly 10:30 and about an hour ago i discovered a bag of trader joe's spinach salad in a drawer in my refrigerator. prior to that i recall myself thinking that i didn't have enough greens in my diet, so i guess i don't have to worry about that now. i also wondered at what i would make for dinner as i felt extremely lazy since i got off of work. so, i dumped spinach and bleu cheese and candied walnuts and raspberry vinaigrette into a large, wooden (cherry) salad bowl and tossed. lovely. dinner. anemia has been staved.

work has been challenging me to all shapes and sizes of smartness, if i may say so. i suddenly feel ready to accomplish great things in terms of my life in banking. at the same time, i'm not entirely comfortable making that my life for much longer. but i am resourceful and i enjoy a challenge and i have learned so much in the past month since the assistant manager moved on that i actually feel ready to head to the next level. i've proven to myself that i can stick to it and, more importantly, survive under the pressure. two things i've learned here: i am good at what i do (there is always room for improvement). but number one: communication is key. what has plagued me of late actually spilled into my work life and in many ways nearly drove me toward unemployment as i honestly reached my boiling point. having been at a the crux of things privately, the only relief i find is that this came to a head in a matter of weeks and that my father advised me to stop beating 'round the bush with employee relations and actually give my boss the benefit of the doubt in order to work things out. it was painful, but good. and afterwards it was as though a huge weight had been lifted. no, my job didn't get easier, but i began to work smarter. and now i bombard him with emails about EVERYTHING. seriously. and in my spare time i contemplate entering into management. lucky me.

school and work? let me tell you, i had no idea that it would be like it is. and i can't believe that i even got through the quarter...but i did. of the two classes, i'm fairly certain i got an "A" in one (thank you, easy grading TA and Prof). my fiction writing on the other hand? that one pretty much kicked my ass. and i absolutely mean that in a good sense. i learned so much and i just want to learn all the more. can i ever be sure that i'll be good at it? heck no. but i'm sure going to try.

welcome to finals week

2007-12-09T21:27:00.000-08:00

i miss blogging, of course. who wouldn't? and what better thing to do instead of typing out my take-home final exam for Poet in the City than to blog. seriously? seriously.

life has been...and continues to, well, be. i work and i go to school. i go to a friend's dance recital at uci, i take aims at seeing the nutcracker at the barclay, and i try not to hate this time of year which i typically love so much. the cats have made it bearable (the beasts are currently lounging in various cat-like awkward positions) and i can watch planes approach the runway at john wayne airport with my christmas tree gleaming in the foreground from its spot on the balcony. freeway noise is a comfort, and my upstairs neighbor isn't being particularly noisy right now, so i may actually get some work done. and since i was the one who set this deadline and was granted permission to email my final upon completion, well, lucky me i'm all but set to go.

so here i am. obviously a life in transition piques the reader's curiosity. and if i haven't explained things to you personally, i'm certainly not going to be doing it here (if i haven't spoken to you recently, i will in time). i don't plan on refraining entirely from the blog-o-sphere, but writings may be sparse. and so on and so forth. i really should be taking this energy and applying it to my paper.

Adieu

2007-09-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of fun blogging, dear reader, but am putting away my mad typing skillz for another time. I may resume here, I may not. I plan to focus on my fiction and finishing up school and swinging with the two jobs I landed earlier this month. I have been grateful for your readership over the years (whether or not you commented) and this has been a crazy amount of fun...I've witnessed my writing develop leaps and bounds and even had a brush with fame (thank you David Duchovny & House of D). If you're a friend, let's write or talk more. Thanks for the fun times.

Cheers,
Moi