New York or Bust

The day I after returned from New York last month I went to a funeral for a woman I used to work with. Ann was 76, and I'd spent more time with her in recent years than my own grandmother. She was a firecracker of a woman, sporting bright red hair and fancy, long fingernails. She loved life and people and always had a smile on her face. In her younger years, she was a belly dancer. She inspires me, even now.

It's been 44 days since I was in New York, and my flight home from Boston, weary from an entire day of bus and subway and walking, found me looking out the window, eyes welling up. I wasn't ready to leave. So I've spent every day since trying to figure out how I can get back there. Yes: I want to move to New York City.

I believe Ann moved from England to the US...in her twenties. What a brave thing! How much money did she have to her name? What belongings did she take with her? She probably didn't have a job waiting for her when she arrived stateside. Times were different. Jobs were more accessible (were they?).

So I want to move to New York City. So, what? Why should you care? My question to you is: what do you want more than anything? What is big, scary, and absolutely thrilling all at the same time? What is calling your name that requires a substantial sacrifice in order to be achieved? What do you think about day in and day out? This is New York. Not a day has passed since my plane landed on December 16 at Long Beach, ripped from where I was feeling so at home, where I was so in love. I love New York, and this long distance relationship is just breaking me in half. In a good way. And a weird way.

These stirrings have my world all flipped upside down. I have a project at my fingertips that is totally Failure Club worthy. I have created lists, and just last night I earmarked a project in Wunderkit. There are so many things, and my brain wants to worry about all of them, in no particular order. My hope with using these tools is that I can keep myself honest.

Here we go...

Clarification: I am not in agreement with all of the failure club principles. I want to overcome fear, but I don't believe my project is going to fail.

2012

Is it possible that I have been so busy living that I no longer have the time to blog? I have. 

There are big things in store this year. This post is not one of them. I hope to have more to come in the near future, and I look forward to sharing the journey here.

Labor Day

I've been figuring out what I'm to do in this life that will enable me to support my interests and a comfortable life. I should be writing a dissertation on first world problems: I have a job that pays the bills, but it is far from my ideal line of work. I have a used car that is less than 10 years old and paid off, but I wrecked my 8-year-old Jetta last year and that one I bought brand new and I really miss it. I live in Southern California and the rent for my 2 bedroom, 1195 square foot apartment with detached garage, 2 pools, 2 spas, tennis courts, gym and a view to die for is so expensive even with a roommate that I can't afford to save for a proper vacation where I can travel to an exotic location, eat good food, and have tons of fun seeing the sights so I guess my next staycation means I'll be going to the beach a lot and slumming it in my own backyard. Also, it's Labor Day and I really want to get a new mattress because they're all on sale right now and I've had mine for 9 years, which is when you are supposed to get a new one, but not because there's really anything wrong with the one I'm sleeping on.

The point is yes, I live an excellent life and have little to complain about in the grand scheme of things. I still find ways to struggle, however, and my concern becomes "How can I make this life even better?" That means attention to the day-to-day as well as the long term. I look for inspiration around me, trying to absorb the things that are happening with my extended family (read--> friends) and drawing on the goings on to prompt and push me because at times I lack the inner spark to drive my own desires. Sometimes it's a combination of things. A year ago, I started throwing pottery because of a friend's invitation. Now that I've finished throwing pencil holders and giving away small pieces to coworkers, I'm moving on to pots and vases. I'm keeping pieces for myself and starting to take things much more seriously. It's been a small thing, but it's been impactful. Art will always need to be part of my life.

And just like art, life needs to be part of my life. I'm struggling to balance it--the living that goes on outside of my computer is so intensely valuable that I have neglected blogging. Even now, I type this post and am thinking Life's out there and I need to be living it! I have things to do! I need to finish this post and go forth!

Tally ho, readers!

On the Rotation, Part 1 (of many)

I've determined that my love of music results in fits and spurts of loving an album to death and listening to it until it has lodged itself deep in the frontal cortex. From then on, when I wake in the middle of the night, I can hear it replayed perfectly. Sometimes this goes on ad infinitum, and I'll have trouble falling back asleep. When that happens, it makes me think that I should stop listening to music after I get off of work.
Most of the time, the music wins.

Here's a peek at what's on the rotation these days:

• Tron: Legacy (Daft Punk) 
• Koyaanisqatsi (Philip Glass)
• 4 x 4 = 12 (Deadmau5)

Boxes Boxes Boxes

I've spent the day packing and sifting, churning and burning. I've reviewed my entire childhood from Kindergarten through High School. It's been a whirlwind. It's amazing what my mom saved for me, and I've finally stowed those precious moments in a 18-gallon plastic purple tub; after 10 years of lugging these boxes around, it's about time they got their own committed space.

This will be my fifth move in four years. Thankfully I've managed to make each place feel like a home, but this move is something that's taken me by storm. As I buckled down and started packing hardcore today, I'm left with a sense that my belongings are becoming more and more essential. I like that bit. I think it's important to value the things that I'm paying to transport from A to B. So far I've made two trips to Goodwill and dumped more than a few things in the trash.

And then my brain said Good Night!

Found

On Friday, I met two people who love their job. They love it so much they'd do it seven days a week. The overtime is not problematic because they enjoy their profession. One was a criminal/family law attorney. I didn't learn the exact nature of work of the other, but I suspect something technical.

It exists. I believed it did, but have been under the influence that it is some holy grail that I'll never discover. Taking steps to regain and reassert this belief has been challenging. Most of the time I don't even think of banking as a career, but after nine years in one profession, it's undeniable. I'm not unhappy, but I believe I could be doing something that is more satisfying. I want it.

Once I'm all moved, I'm going to work diligently to find it. Resuming piano lessons is a first step in the right direction.

Countdown

The transitory life is a tough one. I've spent the bulk of my thirties thus far trying to figure out what I'm doing, what I want to do, and how to get my shit together. When it involves those close to me, I find myself hesitant (and reasonably so) about sharing the details with the Internet. Still, I'm paying for this blog, I fought to keep it, and once again I find it necessary to explore what it is I hope to accomplish within said sphere of my life.

I'm moving again. Tonight I had dinner and chatted with my future roomie, current friend and neighbor (all the same person). Currently we're sitting on my sofa, music softly stirring the airwaves in the background, working independently on our laptops. It is remarkably peaceful, and I anticipate our cohabitation to persist in a similar manner. Thinking about it makes me feel all sorts of relaxed on the inside. Relaxed and happy. So happy.

The arrangements are coming together. I'm fortunate to have had as much practice as I have in recent years with moving: the changing of addresses, the initiation of utilities & the hiring of movers. It's coming together smoothly yet again.

Hooray!